St Andrews ranked 31st for nightlife in the UK in alternative league table

It’s official: the results are in. St Andrews are, well, average. FixR compiled alternative prospectus information and rankings from 50 universities across the UK. Whilst usually St Andrews sees itself in the top 5, we have been dramatically demoted to 25th overall in the UK. However, better than anything, we thrashed Edinburgh who came 28th on the list. Even those three spaces prove that our age-old rivalry will always be won by us. Commiserations to Kent who came last at 50th on the list.

The information in the table, unfortunately is not surprising. With the ridiculously priced £6.30 kebab from Derwish (although who would choose that over cheesy chips?!) St Andrews has once against maintained itself as one of the more expensive universities in the UK. St Andrews is not all bad though, with the average number of sexual partners at nearly five per person. Although clearly some people have had more than others….

However, with a 41-59 boy-girl ratio it’s not surprising that our STI infection rate is so low. After all, if you don’t find a boyfriend in first year, you’re probably single forever. These results should probably be taken with a pinch of salt as if anyone is holding an STI, no judgement from us here, they may not be so forthcoming with their results.

The Tab would like to take particular offence to the ranking of 20th in most attractive rating as given the minimum of ten fashion shows held each year in St Andrews, surely we must be a cut above the rest? How is LSE the most attractive, human error anyone? So, all in all, we can take these rankings as another attempt for people to put the three greatest streets in Scotland in a box. Whilst our kebabs may be pricer than Oxbridge, at least we can sleep with the knowledge that Ma Bells Tuesday will always be a cracking night out.