Things everyone from Essex is sick of hearing

Stop giving me agg regarding your awful perception of what everyone is Essex must be like.

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Essex, commonly perceived as the land of TOWIE, Tan, White Stilettos and X Factor contestants. It’s sort of perceived as an abstract entity, so much so that whenever someone actually meets someone from here, they almost always say the wrong thing. As a native Essex girl myself, here are some things I’m sick of hearing when I tell people where I’m from.

Sunny Saffend on sea

Your voice. Mocking our accent.

Whilst I imagine you probably thoroughly enjoy screaming ‘ESSIXXXXUXX’ when you hear where we’re from, I can guarantee you we don’t. Usually because this initial reaction opens up a whole plague of other usually insulting statements about our hometown. Continue reading for examples.

Or likewise, being shocked that we don’t have an accent. Or congratulating us on that fact.

Yes, we all know the Essex accent isn’t the softest or gentlest music to your eardrums, but are you seriously gonna disrespect all my homies that do speak like that? Like J-Lo describes in her classic hit, ‘Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block’. Our accent might have got a bit posher since leaving ‘Saffend’ or ‘Bas Vegas’ but we’re still very much in touch with our roots. And trust, we go a lot more Essexy when we’re arguing with you.

‘Isn’t Essex a horrible place to live?’

With a population of 1,396,600 people, clearly a lot of people think it’s very nice actually. With close proximity and good transport links to London, it  attracts a lot of city dogs and celebrities alike, including Jamie Oliver, Dermot O’Leary and Ollie Murs, just to name a few. The Anglo Saxons obviously liked it a lot too, as they named it the ‘Kingdom of the East Saxons’ and established a monarchy there. We are not devoid of art and culture either, with John Constable settling in Essex and doing many a beautiful landscape there.

I did meet Phil Jupitus at my friends parents anniversary party once

‘Do you know *insert name here* from TOWIE?’

Yes, I’ve met a good deal of them in Lakeside and Nando’s, but no I DO NOT PERSONALLY KNOW JOEY. And yes, Essex is his real last name.

Okay, I do enjoy a bit of TOWIE spotting.

‘Your tan doesn’t even look that orange!’

That’s because in Essex we’re professionals darling. Even your nan knows where to get a good fake bake from.

‘Aren’t all people from Essex Bimbo’s?’

So wrong it hurts. Essex is actually one of the only remaining local education authorities that still has grammar schools, a system whereby aged 11 children have to take an entrance exam in order to get into secondary school. This system (something I went through) actually offers those from more modest social economic backgrounds the chance to acquire free, good education. So we’re probably smarter than you, actually.

The view from Hadleigh Castle, previously painted by Constable

‘Essex girls and guys are ‘too well groomed’, it’s unnatural!’

Mmm, I think someone’s just well jell of our reem-ness. Yes, we embrace the fakery and getting ready for a night out can take hours/days/weeks/months (gym gains etc) but this isn’t exclusive to Essex. In every town you’ll always find girls that wear a lot of makeup and guys whose biceps rip through their tight Ralph Lauren polos. So don’t assume everyone is the same, and even if they do fulfil their stereotype, so what? Chances are they probably look good in their selfie anyway, and trust me the likes on Insta are worth your bad opinion.

‘Is it true what they say about Essex girls?’

*Insert awkward laugh here whilst thinking: Ugh. You are vile.’

We’re on the best side of the Thames

‘What does ‘oi oi saveloy?’ mean?’

A Saveloy is a smoked sausage in a red shell bought at a fish and chip shop. They’re pretty tasty. This is just a general greeting here, much like ‘hello’ or ‘good day’.

*Generic Derogatory comment directed towards Essex*

I mean WE can slag off Essex as much as we want, however we never gave you that right, so be prepared for us to get a little confrontational.