I’ve never been to a St Andrews ball

I just don’t get them


Look, I’m afraid I just don’t see the point. Why would any sane, rational human being want to go to a ball at St Andrews? I’m not one to pull an Edinburgh Tab and get pissy about our various traditions, but this is one aspect of the St Andrews social life I really don’t get.

Yeah. Why?

Ok, maybe part of this is just me. I’m very, very cheap. And uni life is very very expensive. I’m not going to go into detail about this because a) If you follow The Tab you’ll have read about this subject about a million times and b) If you’re a student you’ll have witnessed it first hand, so there’s really no point. Or, actually, maybe there is.

Because, see, despite reading all this high quality journalism The Tab painstakingly produces for you (what? why look at me like that?), and despite having, presumably, gone through the process of eating peanut butter out of a tub for lunch because you can’t afford anything else, you’re still going to fork out a small fortune on a ball?

The money I have left for the rest of the month

Then there’s the dress code. Not only does this add to the cost significantly (do you know how much it’s possible to spend on shoes alone? Too fucking much), but it’s totally and utterly pointless.

I understand that people might want to dress up, but who for? Who are you expecting to meet when you go out – the Queen? No, chances are it’s just going to be your mate who got kicked out of the union the other night for trying to dry-hump a bar-tender (or whatever). You want to spend god knows how much and dress up specifically to impress him? Yes? You’re a nutcase.

These suits must have cost a fortune

As well as this (and if you’re a ball-goer and haven’t stopped reading this in disgust by now, you’ll know this better than me), the Student body of St Andrews seems really, really shit at organising balls. The Christmas Ball committee manages to fuck up so badly that students are already complaining about a ball that hasn’t happened yet.

This year alone, there have been transport nightmares at both Xavier Ball and Welly Ball, and to top it all off, several grands worth of Canada Goose jackets went missing at Welly.

Judging by this downward trend, the end of year ball is going to look like a Tarantino movie. I’ll be fine, cause I won’t be there, but good luck surviving that one.

But there’s a deeper, more important point than this. St Andrews has a certain…reputation. And not a good one. Posh arseholes. Oxbridge rejects. Kate-and-Wills-wannabes. Oh, sure, you knew that already, but why is it such a problem? (Fair warning – I’m about to get quite preachy here).

They’re shocked

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t think it’s a good idea if St Andrews becomes known as a place that you go to if you’re posh rather than, you know, capable of learning.

I really really don’t think it’s a good idea if we start to develop a university culture that you can only really participate in if you have enough disposable income to buy up Dundee with pocket change. And balls are a part of that.

Hell, that could even be part of the reason why people keep going to the damn things, despite the fact they’re shit and expensive. It’s a status symbol. Something you have to do to keep living the St Andrews lifestyle.

I just don’t get what all the fuss is about

Well, maybe. Possibly. Like I’ve said, I’ve never actually been to one of these things, so maybe I’m not the best person to judge.

As an outsider looking in though, I can tell you one thing. It’s all a load of balls.

 

Photos courtesy of Lightbox Creative.