Watching the Six Nations: A Beginner’s Guide

It’s that time of the year again. The time where BBC weekend television becomes dominated by rugby – a game whose delights have, for the most part, alluded me. This year the tournament acts as a precursor to the Rugby World Cup, and so, for those of us that didn’t go to boarding school, we are in for a long stretch of pretending to give a shit about a bunch of fat lads chasing an egg. It is highly likely that at some point in the not too distant future, you will find yourself at a social event at which rugby is dominant. Fitting in in such circumstances can be tricky, particularly if you have no idea what the rules are or why things called “mauls” are deemed acceptable.

Luckily there are a few simple tricks that, when applied correctly, can see you accepted into the crowd of rugby fans and hailed as one of their own. As a social chameleon, I have all but mastered them, and I am happy to share the secrets of my success to anyone soon to engage with rugby and its fans.

The first is simple. Don’t call it ‘rugger’ unless you are over 50. Calling it ‘rugger’ ironically, or semi-ironically, or in the context of a joke, or at any point, will make you look like a bit of an idiot. Don’t do it.

Don’t be afraid to be a bit overzealous with your nationalism. In my experience the Six Nations brings out a pretty constant stream of casual racism. Most of this can be put down to “friendly banter” but there are times when it spills over into straight out dislike. Whilst watching the rugby with my Gran a few years back I overheard her say with all sincerity “I can’t stand the English.” With her blissfully ignoring the fact that her grandchild from London was sat on the sofa next to her, we moved on from the moment as if nothing had happened. So, if you have any feelings of dislike towards the Welsh or the English, the Six Nations is a good chance to get it out of your system and be totally accepted by a baying crowd.

This next rule only really applies to the English amongst you, although I suppose the theory behind it can be transposed across the board. It is generally regarded as a social faux pas, or an act of a novice, to drunkenly start singing “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.” If, as a child, you too were only ever aware of the existence of rugby for a brief period in 2003, you might mistakenly think, like myself, that the song acts as a punctuation mark at the end of anything remotely positive for the English team. Having learned from my error, I recommend you only join in with the song when at least 75% of the crowd are already involved. Take extra care to not end up singing the encore by yourself. That would be embarrassing.

So, you have got through the opening salvo without turning too many heads and have managed to earn the fleeting respect of your peers with some rampant nationalism. Now it’s time to seal the deal with some very generic rugby chat. Pick a player before the game and learn an obscure fact about him. Perhaps he once tossed a bloke across a bar, or maybe he went to your mate’s, mate’s school ten years ago – it doesn’t really matter. It shows that you not only watch rugby, you talk about it sometimes as well. During a ruck (when everyone gets on the floor and starts to bite each other) a good thing to casually remark is “hands in, surely?” I don’t really understand why, but I’ve seen others do it and they got away with it so it must be legit. Finally, scrums. These are essentially a write off. Don’t even bother understanding them because they don’t make sense. They are also dangerous for the imposter fan. They often result in the ref blowing his whistle, followed by a brief period of confusion, followed by fans either fist pumping or commiserating. Don’t be too early to show emotion, you might go for the wrong one- it’s 50/50. Again, wait for 75% of the crowd to react and then mimic them.

It is important to have a contingency plan if you ever start to give yourself away as a fraud. Always have a beer to hand so that if anyone starts to question your credentials, you can drink it all down in one. Nothing distracts a group of rugby lads more than a pointlessly ostentatious display of binge drinking and who knows, if you drink it really fast, they might even think you are cool!

So, that is my five point plan for social success over the coming month. Now if you get invited over to watch the rugby you can go feeling confident. Have fun.

Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons