Everything you’ve done this year that would horrify your mum

If you haven’t done the following, then you’re probably not living the student life to the fullest – but at least you know your Mum is still proud of you.

If only she knew everything you’ve done this year…

Hidden dirty washing up

Everyone knows someone who’s hidden a hoard of filthy and festering plates and cups in their bedroom, all because they’re too ashamed to be caught bringing it down to the kitchen to start the mountain of washing up. We’re probably all guilty of doing this – waking up on Monday morning with plates and cups left stinking in a pile on your desk from a weekend of lying in bed hungover.

The true walk of shame.

Walked home on your own

You know you shouldn’t. You know you should probably book a taxi, but when your phone’s dead and you’ve lost your squad what are you meant to do? Mum would be going mad if she found out, and you spend the entire walk home being just a little bit terrified about possibly being murdered.

Woken up with a stranger

Most of you have been there. You had a great night, but things get a bit fuzzy after about 1am. Then you notice the snoring next to you and grimace when you realise you’re stark naked. One-night-stands surely are the stuff of nightmares. Inevitably you ended up at their place and now have to trek half way across the city to get home in last night’s clothes.

Pulled an all-nighter before an exam

In an ideal world your mum wants to know you’re getting a good eight hours of sleep and waking up bright and early every day. In reality, 90% of us are nocturnal year round and the chances of getting an early night before an exam is a pipe-dream – especially if you happen to live in a block of flats and other people have finished theirs, or (more commonly) if you’re trying to cram a semester’s worth of learning into fifteen hours. What do you mean it can’t be done it one night Mum?

No Mum, of course I’ve never spent the night in the library.

Ordered pizza and lived off it for three days

You caved after walking home in the rain from your 6pm seminar and ordered a family size meal that cost you your food budget for the week. Now you’re stuck eating your large bacon double cheese pizza and your pepperoni dough balls for days and begin to wonder if you’ll get scurvy. Mum would be outraged.

Yes, Mum, of course I’m eating properly

Stolen supplies from campus

You spot an opportunity – sitting in the library at 3am, crawling on your hands and knees to your deadline, and then you see it. The full pack of A4 paper waiting for you to take it home. You squish it into your bag, because in fairness you probably did pay for it. Stealing supplies also works for toilet paper, pens – anything that you can get your hands on, use and isn’t technically illegal is fair game.

Left it to the absolute last second to do your laundry

It’s been three weeks, you’re down to wearing the Big Night Out t-shirt you usually save for the gym along with those ugly neon tracksuit bottoms that don’t really fit properly. You’re on your last pair of pants (bonus shame points if you’ve gone out and bought more) and it’s finally time to cart your mound of washing – that’s starting to smell – to the washing machine. Mum would weep just thinking about it.

Sorry Mum, no way we’re going anywhere near this until absolutely necessary

Skipping lectures

Yes, you’re paying £9000 a year. Yes you only have three hours of class today. But your bed is warm, the new season of Orphan Black is out on Netflix and you can always catch up on the slides later. Ten episodes later, the day is gone, you’ve turned into a vegetable and there is no way anything productive is happening today. How did you ever get up for a full day at school? Oh right. Thanks Mum.