What your library food says about you

Much like the house of that weird uncle who never married and is really into model trains, the library is a place you don’t visit unless it’s really necessary. That said, a stressful library session is something we all have to experience at some stage as students, with the occasional marathon essay attempt basically a rite of passage.

We’re only human, and we need fuel to get us through those dark library times. What you might not realise is that your chosen library food sends out a message to your fellow students.

Nobody tells the king what to do

Sandwich

You sort of have your life together. A sandwich can just about be seen as one of your three square meals for the day, but will still leave you hungry and slightly pissed at the world for giving you so many deadlines. God help the person who sneezes more than once within 5 feet of you.

Salad

You’re annoyingly good at everything. You claim you’ve ‘never had a hangover’ and you’re always weirdly upbeat in that 9am seminar. You’re probably in the library to finish a piece of work that isn’t due for three weeks, or to revise even though everyone knows you’ll breeze a first. Fuck you.

Bag of Sweets

You’ve written a grand total of 300 words in the last 7 hours and this is a last-ditch effort to speed things up. You just want a sugar rush, even though know it will fade and make you feel even more tired after half an hour. Just go home, there are no winners here.

Dominos

You’ve been revising for 10 hours already and you’re not planning on quitting any time soon, so you’ve ordered a pizza for delivery to the library. “I own this place” you think, putting your shoeless feet up on the desk, “this is my house now”. Guys want to be you, girls want to be with you. That might be going too far, but it will at least make for a good snapchat story.

The only reading you really need

Kettle chips

NO. What are you doing you fucking psychopath. There is a special place in hell reserved for people like you who consciously choose the worst food for every scenario. This is a library, sort your life out and stop crunching.

Protein shake

You’re a proper gym lad and you want everyone to know about it. You wear tracksuit bottoms at all times and your wardrobe is 90% sports team gear (seriously, we get the message). Exam season means you’ve had to ease off on the gym sessions but it’s OK because you can still exercise your brain, the most important part of your body.

Last night’s leftovers

Calm the fuck down Blue Peter. You’re trying just a bit too hard to let us all know that you have everything figured out, that you’re planning ahead. We all love a good carbonara but the library is no place for a food that slurpy, let alone one which is ten times better when eaten fresh.

For those ‘four hours here and two lines written’ moments

Biscuits

The quiet and unassuming type, you’re renowned for making steady progress with essays and averaging a consistent 2:1. You don’t go out a lot, preferring a night in with the boyfriend/girlfriend you’ve been with since freshers. Got some plain digestives there? Live a little, Tom.

Nature Valley oat bar

Is the small amount of nutritional value really worth it for the sheer quantity of oats you’ve managed to scatter on the floor and desk? Some poor bastard has to clean that up, show some respect. Your fingers are covered in some kind of honey drizzle topping and it’s ruining your laptop, go home.

Anything requiring a microwave or kettle

Who died and made you king of the library? Those machines are purely there for decoration, your pot noodle can wait. Who the fuck do you think you are.

Eat it uncooked or take it home, leave the kettle alone