Every type of essay writer you’ll come across at uni

You’re probably reading this to procrastinate, right?


Whether or not you like it, essays are inescapable at university. For some, deadline day means a hectic last-minute scramble for inspiration. Some seem to have it easy or just get it done in a bog-standard manner. Others adopt what can only be described as strange approaches quite frankly.

Here is the definitive list of every type of essay writer you’ll meet.

The Ultra Organised One

The essay titles won’t have been released for longer than ten minutes and already this swot has lovingly selected what they are writing about at least six weeks before the deadline. Ten hours later, and they are well on well on the way to reading up on the topic. Essay deadline panic? No chance. Not even remotely close to it.

This person will be sweating if they have not finished the essay a good week and a half before the submission date. What’s left to do with ten or so days to spare? Well, checking the essay over twenty times is a must. Then smugly listening to others fretting about how little time they have left to get it done is another necessity for the check-list.

The Ultra Crammer

On the opposite end of the spectrum to the ‘ultra-organised’ comes the ‘ultra-crammer’, complete with Red Bull and an assortment of other sugary snacks to get them through an all-nighter in the IC on essay deadline eve.

A typical day before a hand-in means oversleeping until about 11am if they are lucky. Get to the library by 1pm. Pick a title by 2:30pm after switching between three to five spaces in the library in a desperate attempt to find a prime spot. Finish reading by midnight, including many trips to the Sainsbury’s for snacks and many an introduction skimmed through.

As long as this person has not collapsed from a sugar rush comedown and fallen asleep in a sweaty heap on the floor, the essay will be complete by 4-5 am. Don’t try this at home kids, although you will be up in time for sunrise and the lovely sound of birds chirping. What a life hey.

The Modifier

What seems to be a well-constructed essay appears to be ready for submission. Word count is fine, the argument is coherent and signs of independent analysis seem to be included. Sorted? Er well no actually not. What follows is a series of painstaking alterations. These may range from re-writing the introduction and conclusion over twenty times, to scrolling through a thesaurus for more sophisticated sounding words in a bid for absolute perfection. ‘‘What’s this here?!! Did I really write impromptu instead of spontaneous. This will simply not do’’. An essay is not an essay without obsessive attention to detail to the point where the twentieth draft is completely unrecognisable to the first.

The Easily Distracted

Procrastination at its finest. Anything to avoid essay writing will be undertaken. Catch-up TV from a decade ago, cleaning the kitchen, internet shopping, games on phone (Paper Toss anyone?), going to Corp. The list is endless. There are many ways to avoid an essay for those not feeling it.

Making tea for your house is the ultimate procrastination

The Late Comer

This person will regard the ultra-crammer as a maniac. Why bother losing sleep in a desolate Western Bank when you can simply hand in a day or two late? A loss of five per cent or so means nothing for this chilled-out soul. Enough of the stressing already, it’s just a bloody essay guys.

The Whizz Kid

Anything under a mark of 75 is regarded as a failure. This essay writer nails it every single time. Probably types up the essay hanging upside down or handcuffed for a bit of a challenge. Aristotle move over mate, this person can write essays like a duck can take to water.

The Tutor’s New Best Friend

An essay is a perfect chance for many a catch-up with a distinguished academic at the university of Sheffield. Tea and biscuits anyone? By the time of the deadline, a first-name basis will be adopted between student and tutor. In extreme cases, the tutor will have become such a pal that they are added to the WhatsApp group to the total bemusement of other members. ‘‘Why is this Doctor of Baroque Architecture sending advice on Christopher Wren’s impact on Renaissance Architecture during the 17th century on our beer-drinking lads group’’ they all ask? Yes, it is sensible to go to an office hour in order to make use of the experts seeing as we pay very high tuition fees, but don’t go overboard and practically write your essay sat on the floor outside the office.

Nothing To See Here

Researches and plans the essay, types it up a week or so later. Checks it over a couple of times. Provides a bibliography and footnotes. Hands in on time. The whole process takes one to two and a half weeks. Gets a solid 2:1 or so. Nothing overly spectacular or disastrous. No energy drinks at sunrise with an hour to spare nor marathon edit sessions weeks in advance whilst simultaneously emailing an alternative conclusion to the tutor. Crikey, essay writing can actually be fairly bog-standard.

The Over-reactor

‘‘Oh my God oh my God, I am sooooo going to fail this essay. In fact I am going to be kicked out of the University for pure incompetence before being forced into hibernation, living in a tent in the peak district as the dregs of society.’’

Two weeks later: “Ooo I got a first. Go me!’’