My phobia means that pasta is the only food that doesn’t scare me

Chicken is terrifying and the thought of reheating anything makes me want to cry


Starting university poses many challenges. Moving into a flat of people you don’t know, starting a course in something you’ve spent the summer telling yourself is right for you, and being away from your home comforts and family. These are all things that can send anyone’s anxiety levels sky high.

However, for me overcoming these anxieties was made ten times harder by also being scared of cooking for myself, being around people who are unwell, being on my own and something that I have newly discovered since being at uni – eating food that is past its ‘eat within’ date.

 

It has now been 8 years since I first became effected by my phobia on a daily basis. Emetophobia is a fear of vomiting (even the word churns my stomach so let’s call it throwing up). I have been at war with myself for so long and there have been times in which it has destroyed my life as I knew it.

I used to be scared to eat at all in case I would throw up. I’d be scared to go to school in case I caught a bug and I refused to eat in restaurants in case I got food poisoning. Almost every situation made me anxious as I managed to link it back to me throwing up somehow.

I found my own methods of dealing with my phobia so that, despite it playing on my mind at least ten times a day, I didn’t descend into full scale panic at every twinge in my stomach. Over the last 2 years I’ve managed to control my anxieties so that I only ever panic when someone near me is contagiously sick, or when I actually feel sick (usually as a result of a bad hangover).

I’ll always be the one cleaning the kitchen- it looking like this makes my stomach flip.

However, starting uni highlighted a whole new set of challenges for me. I watch my flatmates cooking themselves curries, pies and other interesting concoctions, and then freezing the extra portions for days or weeks to come. While I cook myself up some tomato and pepper pasta for the 4th time that week. Cautiously eyeing up the peppers for any sign of mould, even though I bought them yesterday and eating it all in one go as the thought of reheating (even vegetables) terrifies me.

Having to make myself a cheese sandwich (with slightly toasted bread as I have to freeze it so I can eat is past its best before date) because my ham says ‘once opened eat within 2 days’ on it and I opened it 2 days ago so, bin it goes. Having to throw out whole bottles of mayonnaise because I can’t remember if I bought it less than 3 months ago and don’t want to risk whatever evil outcome may occur if I eat it past its ‘eat within’ day.

As well as wasting an offensive amount of good food (which upsets my flatmates more than I can explain, to the point where I offload most of my food onto them and watch them eat it without consequence), I dread mealtimes. I’m forever thinking what can I eat tonight that is safe? What can’t make me ill?

A few weeks ago, some friends on my course wanted to all eat out at Cosmo. My anxiety immediately rocketed as I had to find a reason why I couldn’t go. I forever find myself finding reasons for us to not order in take away from Balti King, because I know I’ll spend the next 12 hours in a wreck.

To mix it up, I decided to try cooking a veggie stir fry- where can I go wrong? Peppers, baby corn, carrots, beansprouts, a little soy sauce and some noodles- a good idea, right? Wrong. I noticed the beansprouts had their own set of cooking instructions on the packet. Confused as to why this was I googled it; beansprouts can carry salmonella. So, no more beansprouts for me. Even I can see how irrational my fears are, but I’d rather jeopardise my enjoyment of meals than spend my day worrying about being sick.

Luckily people throwing up as a result of drinking too much doesn’t make me anxious. If it did, I think I would have dropped out by now! Living in Endcliffe with 10 other people has its challenges too. My hands are so dry from washing them in my room every time I’ve touched anything in the kitchen in fear that someone might be/might get ill or may have handled raw meat and then touched the appliances. Every time I hear someone coughing my heart skips a beat.

I am much less anxious than I was initially and this has been helped by being able to speak to my flatmates and friends about how I’m feeling. I’ve also met someone else suffering with the same phobia and fears, just through talking about it.

I’ve resorted to eating a predominantly vegetarian diet. I can manage minced beef and beef steaks if I cook them myself. This semester I want to try different pasta recipes, vegetable soup recipes, and vegetable curries. By widening my meal options that I’m comfortable with I’m hoping to eliminate that aspect of my anxiety. It’s going to be a challenge but one that I am determined to overcome.  One day I might be able to own milk and be confident to drink it, cook chicken for myself, and keep eating foods until they’ve actually gone off instead of when the packet tells me to throw them away.

But until then, I’ll stick to the veg and try to make the most of my time at uni without descending into full scale panic every day.