The inevitable stages of a Sheffield house viewing

Please don’t take pictures of me in a onesie


Picture the scene. You’re tucked up in bed watching Jeremy Kyle on your laptop when suddenly you hear the key in the lock. You quickly hit the space bar, and duck under your covers as you realise you completely forgot to tell the rest of the house you had a house viewing. You can hear the prospective tenants downstairs, panting and out of breath from walking up the Sheffield hills whilst Big Dave, the landlord, ushers them into the sitting room.

I was trying to sleep

The Living Area

As Big Dave opens the door to the sitting room, he finds Josh sat on the couch in nothing but his boxers and his fluorescent Jack Daniels vest he got in Zante, and Ben sat in a blanket contemplating some of last night’s poorer decision. They sit horrified eating as a group of five first years look at him like an animal in a zoo. He sits surrounded by empty bottles of Lambrini and traffic cones from the night before.

“Through here is the kitchen..” announces Big Dave as he opens the kitchen door. A slug slithers across the floor as the gust of wind from the door causes a weeks worth of washing up to come crashing onto the tiles. He shakes his head and turns to Josh and Ben who, in a ninja-like fashion, have both scarpered upstairs.

Contemplating in a melancholy fashion

Nick’s Bedroom

Big Dave, getting rather frustrated that we’d forgotten to clean the house before the viewing, bursts into Nick’s bedroom without knocking. Looking first at the corp-stained shirt on the floor, and finding a pair of rainbow-stained adidas originals on the floor, he realises Nick has been to Corp the night before. The curtains closed, he turns on the light switch to find Nick in bed. He reluctantly goes to shake his hand when he sees another body in the bed move. Has he just interrupted a scene of young love? He abandons the room and hurries the innocent first years upstairs.

The Bathroom

Big Dave tries the door, but it seems to be locked. He knocks, but there’s no answer. He nervously smiles at the girls and turns back to the door. “Hello?” he shouts, as the toilet flushes and the door has opened. IBS Ian has been in there all morning after last night’s post-Corp Balti King. Red faced, he hurries past the girls as the toxic smell fills the hallway.

Grace’s Room

At last, a haven. Grace always has the tidiest rooms, complete with fairy lights, scented candles and a lava lamp. They all walk in and start taking pictures for their friends, whilst poor Grace stands in the middle of the room in her frog onesie. It’s going swimmingly, until one of them opens the wardrobe to unveil Grace’s secret hamster. “I thought I said no pets!” bellows Big Dave.

Busted

The Exit

Big Dave stumbles downstairs from the attic, warning everyone not to hit their head on the ceiling (one of them inevitably will). He steps over the pile of washing up left by Ian’s door, and slowly heads down the stairs in the badly lit hallway. After all, did he really expect students to afford new light bulbs? He walks outside, ignoring the piles of black bin bags filled with rotting food, and shakes the poor first year’s hands. I think we scared them off…