The 6 stages of a Corp hangover

It’s been a wild one: you attempted the rainbow challenge, fell down the corp stairs and ended up in bed at 4am spooning a Murdocs kebab. Although merry in your annihilated state, it’s yet to dawn on you that tomorrow is a full day at uni. Here’s a definitive catalogue to the hangover from hell, aka a Corpover.

1. The Sweats

You’ve woken up in a complete daze to your 8.30 alarm, realising with horror and disgust that it’s not a weekend, and that horrendously chirpy ring tone won’t relent until you get out of bed. Rolling out of your duvet isn’t a pretty sight, and you soon realise that going to sleep donned in your full Corp attire, shoes included, was a terrible mistake. You can already feel the vodka sweating out of you and your sheets feel ominously damp. Stepping straight into your kebab remains, you wonder how this day could possibly get better from here.

Everything in you says no

2. The Toilet Trip

Praise the Lord for en suites. We won’t go into too much detail here, but undoubtedly at least one of a series of outcomes will take place here. If you’re in for a cheeky morning chunder you’ve drawn the short straw, as this will produce one of two outcomes: 1) you feel like a piece of roadkill, 2) you falsely assume ‘it’s all out my system’ and decide to head in for your full day at uni.

3. Denial

There are actually two threads of conflicting denial here: firstly, whilst getting ready and staggering into your skinny jeans, you profusely deny that you will ever make it into uni – this lecture on Contemporary Prose Poetry can surely wait. After a badgering text from your course mate, you’re forced to leave the flat. The second thread of denial then kicks in: upon leaving, you actually, stupidly, deny to yourself that your hangover even exists. Look at you, you’re wearing skinny jeans! This surely must be a sign of functioning. Alas, pity the poor student who lulls themselves into this false pretension.
N.b. denial may be increased with good weather outside.

It was all going so well…

4. Acceptance

You’re 30 minutes into your second lecture without a single note taken down, and the 4 hour sleep is starting to show itself. You can’t tell if you feel hungry or sick, but you know that your bed in Broomhill is at least 1000 miles away from the dungeon that is the Arts Tower lecture theatres. But you’ve accepted that you’re here now, there’s no escape, you just have to hold it together for the next two hours and then you can crawl to bed. Bored out of your brain, you can’t decide whether to try piece the parts of last night together without risking feeling queasy.

5. Contemplation

With a severe corpover, suffers typically contemplate issues as such: why bother coming into uni? why did I try the rainbow challenge? What is in a blue pint? Is anyone really here? With the long hours of lectures stretching ahead in front of you, it’s time to devise a plan of action. Cue daydreaming about greasy big breakfasts.

Did I really get on the DJ deck?

6. Treatment

Against all the odds, you’ve survived the day at uni. You even managed to spout some bollocks in your seminar that actually made you sound intellectual. But don’t be too impressed, if you were an animal in the wild you would definitely be killed by now. Arriving at your flat donned with masses of junk food, you even start to feel sentimental to this hovel that you call a home, you can’t believe you really made it. Faced with the sight of that dried up kebab though, you start to think otherwise. If in doubt, retreat to the kitchen. Three hours of netflix and two packets of sensations later, you have regained some of your energy and lined your stomach ready to finally have that flat catch-up about what really happened last night. In the camaraderie of hungover souls you will laugh and sigh and promise never to drink Asda own brand vodka for pres again.

Sweet dreams are made of doughnuts

Here’s hoping to a better Friday.