I’m sorry, but I no longer like VKs

For my debut Tab article, as a bright eyed, fresh faced first year, I wrote ‘An ode to the VK‘. I was introduced to the questionably fluorescent beverage in my first week of uni and for the first two years, it was a staple part of my diet. Now, as a bitter third year, I’m questioning how I ever truthfully wrote that article.

With lines such as “I never knew true love until I sipped my first VK” and “orange and passion fruit VK is possibly the nicest thing I’ve ever tasted”, I now realise how wrong I was. I can’t think of anything much worse than spending a night on the sugar rush of the sickly sweet VK. I also really don’t miss the layer of stale, artificial fruit taste that is left in your mouth the morning after. The same can be said for the trademark VK shits and shakes – not something I’m planning on hurrying back to any time soon.

I was once so happy with the VK life

You soon realise how important VKs are to a RoHo student when someone offers to buy you one, you decline, and you get that look back at you as though you’ve just told them you shat on their family. It’s the kind of time in life where you get the “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” speech. I’m sorry, I know I should like them as a Rohoer, but they’re just too sweet. I tried to pretend that I find them genuinely enjoyable, but I just can’t do it anymore. It’s too hard, I need to be true to myself.

The obvious downside to no longer enjoying VKs is the death of my VK claw. No longer can I carry six drinks at once with the ease that the VK bottle brings. You really can’t “claw” cans of Red Stripe without a serious level of skill. This does mean more frequent trips and more time spent queuing at the bar, but in the long run it’s worth it to not end up having a glowing, multi-coloured tongue making SU photos even worse than they already are.

You could light a runway with a tongue that glowing.

The slowly building price of the VKs over my three years of uni may also have something to do with the reason I no longer buy them. No drink with such a low percentage of alcohol is worth £2.20. It’s like the Freddo crisis is happening all over again, and I just can’t go through that again. The 30p increase since first year could be used in so many better ways, like adding to my gin fund. Why buy a £2.20 VK at Toast when for 30p more you can get a gin and tonic? I would now argue that G&T is my new true love.

If only I’d discovered you sooner oh wonderful gin, light of my life

Money is also saved on not having to constantly buy replacement white tops for the ones I’ve destroyed. No longer do I wake up in the morning to see ruined, orange stained clothes thrown onto my bedroom floor. A VK stain is almost as indestructible as a Nokia 3310. As someone who loses all sense of co-ordination when drunk, white alcohol is definitely the way forward for me. Or at least beer, which stinks but washes out fairly easily.

No more ruined white tops for me

Take this as my formal apology to all those I have let down and disappointed through my recent lack of love for what used to be a prominent part of my RoHo life. I have now reached my destination and have hopped off the VK train. Farewell, old friend, it was short lived but fun while it lasted. I thank you for the memories (or lack of them) but I feel we may never meet again.