Here’s everything you need to know about vaginas

Alright, listen up – this may come as a shock to you, but most of what you think you know about vaginas is probably wrong. And it’s OK, I don’t blame you. Sex education in this country is an absolute joke, and vaginas are pretty much shrouded in mystery. Nobody knows what the hell is going on with them most of the time. But I’m here to tell you your days of being misinformed are over. Sit back, and get ready to LEARN.

First things first – what a vagina is

It’s not a grapefruit, that’s for damn sure

“But I know what a vagina is!” I hear you cry. Well buddy, we don’t pee out of our vaginas, and if you didn’t know that, you need to read on. Most people think the vagina is just the name for that whole area between our legs, but the vagina just refers to the hole. You know the one – the one where periods and babies come out, where penises, or whatever else you want, goes in. The clitoris is a separate thing to the vagina, and that’s a whole other ball park.

Vaginas don’t get “loose”

This is probably the myth that annoys me the most because it’s just so widely believed. Remember in secondary school when boys used to ask you if you “had a bucket”? You know when people talk about girls that have lots of sex and like to say that “it’s probably like throwing a sausage down a hallway”? That’s complete bullshit.

The vagina is a muscle. It expands when aroused, and then after you’ve done the dirty, it goes back to normal again. Like an elastic band. It’s kind of cute that people think their little cocktail sausage is gonna actually have a lasting effect on a vagina. Aw. Soz babes, you’re not that special.

If you’re having sex with someone whose vagina seems “loose”, then well done, you’ve successfully aroused them. If it feels super tight, don’t brag about it, because actually buddy, that just means you haven’t turned your partner on and you’ve probably hurt them.

So yeah, STOP spreading this lie. It’s literally just a way to make us feel bad about having lots of sex.

Don’t clean it

That sounds disgusting, but seriously. Vaginas are self-cleaning. You don’t need to put any products, any soap, any ANYTHING down there. Certain products will market themselves as vaginal cleansers, that “restore your natural pH”. Well actually these products just mess up your pH. Just leave your vagina to do it’s thing. It just needs a bit of water (but don’t douche it with the shower head – that’s bad).

It smells, OK?

I’m gonna be honest with you guys here, vaginas smell. They don’t smell good. But that’s just the way it is, and companies like Femfresh are gonna try and tell you that you should try and make yourself smell nice down there, but that’s just unnatural. You’ve gotta just roll with it, like Outkast sung about in “Roses”.

The hymen’s a lie, too

A lot of people think that the hymen is this magical wall at the start of the vagina, and that when you first have sex, it pops and then BAM, the gateway has opened, and you’re no longer a virgin. Well I’m sorry but that’s also BS. How would we get tampons up there?

It’s actually a band of tissue around the inside of the vaginal wall that sometimes breaks during sex, and sometimes it doesn’t. Not everyone bleeds the first time. Alternatively, some peoples’ break without even having sexual intercourse, from horse riding and stuff. So if you have sex with someone who says it’s their first time and they don’t bleed, that doesn’t mean they’ve lied to you and have secretly been sleeping with everyone they know. It just doesn’t work that way! Basically, virginity is a social construct which, again, is just there to make us feel bad about ourselves.

Period myths we need to address

• Periods don’t always just look like you’ve cut yourself and you’ve bled everywhere. A lot of the time, periods are old blood so they can be all kinds of different colours, so don’t judge.
• You can deffo go swimming on your period if you want to, just get a tampon going.
• You can have sex on your period! Just make sure your partners OK with it, obvs. You can still get pregnant on your period too so wrap that shit up.
• Your period can be late for a number of reasons, not just pregnancy, so try and chill. The main one is stress, but your period can also be late if you’re ill (so considerate, not giving it all to us at once), and also travelling between time zones can throw things off.
• And stop making women feel ashamed of them ffs (here’s looking at you Trump).

Squirting

Tbh it’s mostly pee. And not all women can do it all the time, sometimes it just randomly happens. It doesn’t make it a “better” orgasm or a more intense one, it’s just that fluid happens to come out, which, soz to break it to you, is mostly piss. Don’t make women feel as if squirting is something we have to strive to be able to achieve. If it happens, wahey, cool. But a lot of the time it probably won’t happen and that’s totally fine.

So there’s just a few things to bear in mind, I hope you enjoy the rest of your life as an enlightened individual and continue to share the message with others – particularly fuckboys.