Oxford’s pub scene is not as good as anyone thinks it is

Oxford boasts some of the oldest and most visited pubs in the UK. You’d think this means that, with years of experience, they’d also be some of the greatest pubs you’d ever get to set foot in.

Maybe not.

The Kings Arms

Three drinks put them in debt

Pros: Claims to host the “highest IQ per square foot” of any pub in the UK. Classed as “the oldest pub in Oxford.”

Cons: Also has the most people per square foot of anywhere in the UK. The old ladies that gather on a Tuesday evening will push in front of you at the bar, and they will be served first. They don’t care how long you’ve been waiting. Oh, and two drinks will cost you half your student loan.

The Crown 

Pros: An easy, central location, but sheltered enough that you can still find a seat.

Cons: It’s a proper local pub. So much so that if you go at 3pm on a Friday, a completely sloshed middle-aged man is likely to harass you. The bar staff are either miserable or mildly aggressive – you’ll feel guilty for ordering a drink, and obliged to drink it as quickly as possible to get out of their way. Probably a good one to avoid on your next pub crawl.

The Turf Tavern

Dreaming about beer which is actually good

Pros: Ideal spot for matriculash. It’s where Bill Clinton “didn’t inhale.”

Cons: This “hidden gem” has officially been found, and overrun, with tourists. Lager is always flat. This could be for a number of reasons – improper glasses being used, barrels not being tapped properly, no gas, glasses being washed and reused in quick succession or even a crappy glass washer. But, when questioned if anything can be done to look into this, the bar staff respond with a blank expression. The fact that they are constantly “hiring now” seems to explain this – the job criteria clearly doesn’t require any knowledge of alcohol at all. And why are the toilets portacabins?

The Four Candles

“Why am I here?”

Pros: Spoons.

Cons: Spoons.

Make of that what you will.

The Eagle and Child

Pros: Decent if you don’t have more than two friends.

Cons: Basically a corridor. Regardless of where you sit, people will be bumping into your chair or spilling their beer on you. There’s no room to queue for a drink, so you’ll need to wait and dash in when the bar is clear. This pub has a famous historical reputation, but those that visit tend to leave pretty sharpish. Oh, and there’s no garden, so smokers, I’m afraid you’re on the street.

The Bear

Pros: Also classed as “the oldest pub in Oxford.” (King’s Arms say what?) Impressive tie collection. Heated beer garden almost makes up for lack of space inside. Almost. Best place for a reasonably priced jug of Pimm’s in summer.

Cons: About the size of your bedroom cupboard. Locals will glare at you when you enter, although you can only fit five or six of them inside at a time so this is slightly less intimidating than it could be.  The journey to the ladies toilet is treacherous – it’s a wonder that a single cubicle at the top of an incredibly narrow, winding staircase meets health and safety regulations. Drunk people beware.

The Lamb and Flag

Lying smiles

Pros: The one pub in Oxford where the staff knowledge of alcohol extends beyond the fact that it is a pub.

Cons: Does anyone, other than groups of elderly gentlemen who meet to reminisce about the good old days and to discuss the cricket, actually go here?

The Head of the River

“Get me out of this place”

Pros: You get to look at water (and tourists).

Cons: You get to pay extortionate prices to look at water (and tourists).

Oxford pubs are crap. The celebrated historical reputations of these establishments are being marred. If you want a proper pub atmosphere, with reasonable prices and properly served alcohol, it might be wise to venture further out to the likes of Jericho and Cowley. The tourist hub that is central Oxford means that the big names just aren’t up to scratch anymore.