The other, better, things you could spend your £250 Union membership fee on

At least we’re honest about how we screw you

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The Oxford Union is a lot like smoking. It costs a fortune, makes you stand out in the cold and traps you for life. Just like smoking, there are so many better things to be spending your money on that the old adage rings truer than ever before, just don’t start.

Bridge tickets

In a year we spend 24 weeks in Oxford. At £5 a pop for entry it’s almost as if the union is daring us to make the choice, for two years worth of entry why wouldn’t you? When you think about it, the two are pretty similar with their high concentration of public school boys in black tie and the overriding whiff of entitlement, but at least Bridge guarantees you entry.

How is this worse?

Buy a car

I found this Vauxhall Zafira available online for £100. Brim the tank, fill it with your mates and hop on a ferry to France with change for a McDonald’s breakfast.

See man driving a German whip

Lola’s

Lola’s offer £1 Jaegers on Tuesday’s but for this much money they’ll probably give you the key and let you crack on. Just remember to lock up when you’re done.

Colonial Comebacks

While we’re on the subject of drinks why not consider indulging in something more exotic? The Union’s once signature cocktail used to cost £2.50 but at that price you’d soon be ready to tell us why colonialism wasn’t such a bad thing, how Rhodes went to your school and was “thought of as a decent chap”.

‘Nah mate we built railways so it’s pretty much even’

An iPad Mini

Okay fine you can’t have the big one but for £219 at Argos this is a snip. Now you can just watch the debates online. Fair enough Eduroam is shit but it beats standing in the cold.

Go to see people doing the thing they’re actually famous for

Morgan Freeman? Rent Shawshank Redemption. Jon Bon Jovi? Go and see him in concert. David Cameron? Get a cab to your local butcher (oink). Who actually cares what they have to say? I admire most of them for pretending to be people they’re not anyway. The best thing about this is it’s on demand and you’ll never have to sit behind a column.

Speaking of union wankers

A Commemmoration Ball

New College costs £195 but if you find a decent deal you’ll be able to rent white tie as well. Though it’s probably not the best place to go if your aim is to avoid the braying Union crew.

Actually talk to famous people

The internet is a wonderful thing. One quick search brought me to this,  a website which claims I can talk to Barack Obama. Okay I’m probably funding Isis but we can all hope.

Do some actual good

The world is a pretty screwed up place. Frankly if I’m going to give money away I’d rather have it go to a deserving cause. While people stood outside for hours a bunch of Union hacks were sitting inside, eating a warm meal and making no effort to regulate the queue outside. The Union is not my idea of a good use of cash, that’s probably clear, but don’t treat the people who allow you to rub shoulders with the great and the good and help you pad your CV like crap.

I gave them the gift of goals

Frankly, the Union is a self aggrandising institution full of wannabe Boris Johnsons and people looking for some minuscule piece of recognition that stems from a lack of hugs as a baby. For most sensible people this is common knowledge but for those who don’t, take this free advice and save your money.