Why commuting should be an Olympic event

You’re standing beside the ‘open’ button as your train pulls into the station, and the weight of expectation of a whole carriage is on your shoulders.

Commuters have been edging towards this door ever since the penultimate stop, vying for the best position on the grid. The train stops and the pressure mounts: a woman tuts because you haven’t pushed the button yet, and you panic even though you know the door only opens when the button illuminates, right? RIGHT?

A businessman shuffles forward ready to step up to the plate should you fail to perform your task. The button glows, this is it, but you’ve been so occupied with worry that you’re a millisecond too late. The Usain Bolt of the commuter world groans at your poor reaction time. You’ve let yourself down, the carriage down, and a country of pushy commuters down.

You’ve fallen at the first hurdle of the commuter olympics.

One young apprentice covers both buttons in an extraordinary physical feat.

Serious business people dominate the public transport network and shame everyone else into apologising for their feeble effort at pushing through the crowds. Armed with briefcases, free newspapers and a shedload of self-importance, these men and women are at the top of their game.

Throw away any doubts: they may not be your typical athletes, but their skill of knocking over unsuspecting tourists renders them competitors at the pinnacle of their sporting prowess.

Please get into your designated lane

Oyster cards at the ready, these professionals smash through the ticket barriers with ease. Like a herd of gazelles, they gracefully flow through the human traffic, not even waiting for the barriers to close from the person in front of them before touching out.

It is the epitome of human competence, an art in itself, which is made all the more spectacular in contrast to the slow lane dominated by amateurs and tourists, jamming their paper travel cards into the slots and flapping their Oyster cards all over the place in scenes of utter ineptitude.

The biggest obstacle on a commuter’s journey

Like true athletes, these men and women don’t even need to pause to pick up the free Metro or Evening Standard, but simply whisk one away with them as they pass by. In a world where time is money these sportsmen don’t even opt for some respite on the escalator, but charge through on the right hand side, furiously tutting at unsuspecting tourists who want to stand next to each other and have a good ol’ chinwag.

Queuing on an escalator? Ain’t nobody got time for that!

But what to do when there’s a tube strike? Never fear, the pros have an extraordinary knowledge of London bus routes, as well as the perfectly off-putting mask of inexplicable rage that prevents people from sitting next to them.

There might be well over a hundred people crammed on to a bus, but no-one will dare ask the seasoned suit-wearing bastard to move their bag for fear of death (or the grunt of wrath).

Piling on to the buses

If needs be, however, the seasoned commuter can stun audiences with their mind-blowing contortionist skills, forcing their way into an inch-long gap as the tube doors are shutting.

They will then strategically place their armpit over your mouth to ensure you get a noseful of the remarkably funky smell radiating from them.

Into the fiery pit of hell…

The journey to and from work is more than a routine. It’s a highly competitive sport, which the players engage in daily. Pushing themselves to the very limit of public decency, these men and women astonish the throngs of tourists with their outstanding physical feats and unprecedented levels of rudeness.

Whittling down their personal bests, and scoring double points for flooring unsuspecting tourists, the daily commute has become a niche sporting activity, whose athletes are comprised of the angriest, loudest and most unfit people this country has to offer.