Everything that will happen in Ocean

We all know that Ocean is exactly the same every week. It has its highs and its lows, but overall, it is predictably perfect every time.

You’ll overhear more gossip in the queue for the toilet than you’ll hear all week

It’s not a toilet – it’s a zoo, an endless maze of cubicles. You’ll hear girls who go into the toilet with three other mates to bitch about how Matilda got with Olivia’s boyfriend and how he’s not even that hot, so you start banging on the door until they come out. Then, inevitably, you enter the cubicle with three of your own mates and proceed to do the exact same thing and piss off the people behind you.

You’ll sweat

Ocean is so sweaty that one Ocean Friday in 2015 is genuinely known as ‘The Sweaty One’. Honestly I don’t know why we even bother with make up – it’s all sweated off before 12am.

You’ll try and take photos with Andy Hoe

You’re desperately hanging around the DJ booth/the exit trying to get a photo with him like he’s some kind of celebrity. It’s truly pathetic, inevitably irritating for him, but you can just never resist.

You’ll try and unfairly blame Andy Hoe for anything that goes wrong

Whether it’s him ignoring you when you shouted at him the queue, his declaration that your friend is too drunk and has to leave or his decision to cut off Gangnam Style just before the chorus, there’s only one man to blame – Andy Hoe. I adore the man, but after 5,643 VKs, everything that goes wrong is suddenly his fault in your eyes. Poor Andy Hoe.

You’ll have a VK

That sudden burst of energy, that artificial taste – what could be better? Well, honestly – pretty much any other drink on offer would be better. They’re only 4 per cent, they’re horrendously unhealthy and leave you with a weird coloured tongue. But something about Ocean just brings out a desire in you to return to your 15-year-old self.

You’ll complain about the music

This really is justified – more often than not, bangers will be dropped (that Abba medley – perfection), but is a weekly fix of You Can Call Me Al and music from Frozen really necessary? However, this really does just add to the Ocean experience and you’re more than happy to complain, as it just starts to become “classic Ocean”.

You’ll get with a physio

I’m sorry but they’re literally everywhere – they probably account for 50 per cent of Ocean profits. Everyone has got with a physio at some point, we’ve all been there (some of us more than others). Resultantly, you’ll always find yourself embroiled in some kind of physio drama/politics afterwards. Stay away from physio corner.

Baywatch

It’s the highlight of the night. Make sure you’re not wearing your grey M&S t-shirt bra, because everyone is about to see it. Baywatch evokes pure euphoria and is the perfect reminder that you really do bleed green and gold. T-shirts everywhere, everyone somehow knowing all of the words to a song we literally had never heard before Freshers’ Week and of course, someone losing their top.

Some girl will be a massive banter tampon and massively judge you for your decision to take your top off

Grow up.

You’ll attempt to make a song request

This is the most pointless thing that will happen all night. It’s more of a waste of time than the queue for the cash machine, because there is essentially a fixed Ocean playlist. Everyone knows this and yet we STILL ask Andy Hoe to play some “great song” that’s a running joke between you and one other person.

You’ll lose every single one of your friends

This makes literally no sense – Ocean is basically one room and by third year you’ll know a hefty proportion of those attending. Yet, at some point between midnight and 2am, you’ll find yourself desperately trying to get phone signal, checking the smoking area and hunting the balconies for your friends.

Someone will cry during the erection section

Maybe it’s because it’s late in the night and people are drunk or maybe it’s because Hero by Enrique Iglesias is a banger, but something about that final shift always causes emotions to run high. Someone is always upset about a love interest (probably a physio), someone is going on about how they’re “just not ready” for their year abroad. It’s perhaps a low of the night, but it’s only a matter of time before Westlife are raising you up to more than you can be.

You’ll wish that you never have to leave

Sometimes you just look around at the chaos and just think “nothing is better than this”. GraduOcean is truly something to dread: it all comes crashing down and you realise it’s all over. Long live Ocean.