Every couple you’ll see on Valentine’s day in Nottingham

February 14^th. The most romantic day of the year… apparently. For most people, Valentine’s day involves wallowing in self pity and reflecting on all the reasons why they’re still single. However, what would Valentine’s be without the vomit inducing couples seen on and around Nottingham’s oh so beautiful campus?

The PDA couple

There’s nothing worse than being blindsided by some heavy petting and low key fondling outside the Portland building. These people are known for their ability to provoke nauseous sensations and remind you why you enjoy being single.

The long distance couple

Arguably the most embarrassing way to spend the evening: sat in your box of a uni room toasting your girlfriend via Facetime. They may even throw in a glass of echo falls and a Marks and Spencer’s microwavable risotto to try and add a little class to the depressingly shit, long distance date.

*If you’re lucky you might even get some cyber sex afterwards.

The clubbing couple

This is the type of couple to be spotted spending their evening at The Blue Bell Inn, refusing to let the fact that V-day falls on a Sunday ruin their night out. This couple can be fun but I can’t imagine their sex life is great with all that whiskey dick. Jäger-pint and chill?

The not sure if they’re a couple couple

Everyone knows one, they’ve been sleeping together since fresher’s week and still haven’t got round to calling it a relationship. The likely-hood is they’ll spend the evening having sex and ordering Domino’s from ‘Mohammad the reliable’ while both wishing they’d gone on a real date.

The arguing couple

They argue about everything – from the choice of restaurant to the bill at the end. Everyone will be staring at them and you know they’ll have wasted £25 on an argument and a very average main course. Please break up.

The ‘rub it in your face’ couple

They are everybody’s least favourite couple. They prey on the fragile emotional states of single people by plastering photos of flowers, chocolates and kisses all over social media. The piece de resistance is their 350 second Snapchat story littered with monkey face and heart emojis. We get it, you have a boyfriend, congratulations, shut up now.

The ‘we’re here because we have to’ couple

They plan on spending a very flaccid evening at Pizza Express and are in bed by 10:00pm – need I say more?

The non couples (singles)

Ben and Jerry’s and Kleenex are on the agenda for the singletons. They’ll pretend they don’t care about Valentine’s and that it’s just a “commercialised holiday with no real meaning” but you know they’ll spend the evening crying themselves to sleep and thinking about their ex.

The ‘me and my best friend count as a couple’ couple

This ‘couple’ are determined to make the most of a depressing evening by watching both the first and second ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ together. They’ll pretend it was the best night they could have hoped for, yet inevitably it’s really just a preface to the tears and thoughts shared by every other single person on Valentine’s day.