If Nottingham’s nightclubs were your best friends which ones would they be?

Ocean

Sure he’s got a funny smell. Sure his clothes are bit grubby. Yeah, maybe he does drink too many VKs for his own good but you know what? Ocean’s just so much fun to be around.

Ocean is the guy that everyone’s gassed to see at predrinks, you know he’ll already be wankered by the time he turns up. Ocean rolls straight in and dominates the aux cord. His Spotify playlist hasn’t changed since 2009 but you love it. “For fucks sake Ocean!”, you’ll cry with a grin on your face, while throwing some embarrassing shapes to The Killers and Busted. Why has he taken his top off?

Ocean is always in demand and sometimes you’ll have to message his mates on Facebook just to get a chance of seeing him. He literally has people queuing for hours.

Go. On. You. Legend.

Stealth

Stealth is fit. She has an aloof air of cool that you endlessly try and replicate. Her Adidas jacket is just like the one you saw in COW earlier and wish you’d bought, her septum piercing makes your heart sing and your fist pump. She can’t be drunk, her shapes are too clean and sharp and she’s been clinging on to the same can of Red Stripe for hours. If she is on something she’s too cool to tell you and you’re embarrassed to ask.

Stealth is friends with the coolest people: Seth Troxler, Annie Mac, you’re sure she even met Skepta once?

Forum

Was Forum there last night? James remembers seeing him at pres but you could swear that chair was empty. Henry can’t remember inviting him and nor can Liz, but for some reason he always turns up. Its not that you particularly dislike him, you don’t really have any grounds to dislike him, but you never interact with him and you’ve heard from a friend of a friend he’s a bit shit so you don’t bother.

On the rare occasion you do see Forum he’s wearing a black Topman tee, slim legged jeans and a pair of Converses, an outfit that screams caution with undertones of being a bit of a wet wipe. You really have to get so plastered that his company becomes no different to any one else. Forum is always the face at the back of the squad photo, if he’s not been cropped off the side.

Crisis

Crisis is your resident sports jock. Every group has that mate who lives to smash out pints, engage in some questionable homoerotic behaviour and boast about spear-tackling that Trent wanker at BUCS. This guy lives for the jägerbomb and boasts repeatedly about that time he attempted the centurion only to projectile vomit all over his crotch.

Crisis can’t quite seem to make up his mind between slut dropping to Kesha or getting low and dirty with some R. Kelly. He lives for Wednesday nights where it is finally acceptable to wear his uniform of beige trainers and a sports tie. Crisis lives for the mass crowds and loves nothing more than people watching from balconies as he selects his next conquest.

Every week you question Crisis’ antics and whether or not he’s fun, but ultimately he’s your guilty pleasure that you keep going back to.

Brickworks

Brickworks wears a five panel, a big Ralphy T and a Palace jumper. He’s cooler than your other friends and you’re slightly intimidated by him. You also hardly ever see Brickworks, maybe twice or three times a term at push. He’s your mate that spends most of the term visiting other (cooler) friends in Manchester and Leeds and is a bit too good to go to other mainstream nights with you. He’s friends with Stealth but can be disgustingly obnoxious with his music taste and knows just a little bit too much about Tecnho.

You get a bit anxious when you hang out too much with Brickworks and you tell your other friends you want to see him a less. You start to wonder how much you really know about him and you become unsure whether he’s just a mellow guy or he’s still recovering from that K-hole last night.

Coco Tang

Coco is your girlfriend who lives by Sex and the City and her weekly cocktails. This girl shuns trainers for heels any day of the week. Each week Coco buys a new cocktail dress in the hope that she’ll meet an up and coming investment banker who will buy her all the Lemon Dragons in the world. This girl lives for the DMCs in the bathroom, and loves nothing better than sharing a toilet with her new best friend she met 5 minutes ago. Coco lives for the tranquil smoking area that makes her feel like a MIC cast-mate and where once a month she goes wild and smoke a shisha. But suddenly Coco’s changed. She decides that this glamorous life isn’t for her anymore. She ditches the dresses for AirMax and Crop-tops. Coco still loves a good cocktail but has lost that edge that set her apart from your other friends. In your despair over no longer being able to wear that Topshop dress you just bought you quickly forget about Coco and glamour she brought to your Monday nights.

VICE Mondays at Coco Tang never fail to impress.

Bakery

Bakery is your mate that went on a gap year. What ever happened to Bakery? You were such good friends in first year but things started to dwindle in second year. Her absence is noticeable and sure you miss her at times, but third year is just as much fun without her.