So you’re going to your first grime night

House is dead. In its place, the likes of Stormzy and Skepta have risen from the ashes and taken over Summer 2k15.
Ask yourself, when was the last time you were in the club and it wasn’t Shutdown eh? This semester its time to ditch the huaraches and channel your inner Tim Westwood.

Obviously, you’ll be pretending you heard of Skepta before he was big and that you’re aware That’s Not Me wasn’t the first ever Grime song.

TRUSSSSS me daddy!

In any case, you’ll need to look, sound and act the part so you can roll deep with the mandem. Luckily we’ve done the work so you don’t have to.

Step one: Dress Road

Dressing like a total roadman is probably the most important step on your way to fitting in at a Grime night, first impressions are everything.

These guys wouldn’t know the difference between Bugzy Malone and Bugs Bunny

These two are a perfect example of how not to do a Grime night: light colours, smart shoes and a welcoming smile. Lets change that.

Before

After

You’re not going to want people to see your face when you’re out raving so hood up is essential, the bigger and more intimidating the coat, the better. Extra rudeboi points for the Mercedes cap, this guy’s balling hard.

Notice that even the model’s demeanour here has changed, his new road gear exudes a bad boy attitude and bravado, even though he still thinks Big Narstie is an innuendo.

If you don’t have access to a big scary coat, a vintage jacket is a great alternative shout, but for God’s sake remember to tie it round your waist, only mugs wear jackets over their bodies.

After

Kate still thinks Stormzy is a bad weather report but here she looks ready to do the migraine skank with the best of them.

Our model’s rocking the fresh Jordans hard, teamed with the essential Adidas trackies and exemplary Stussy vest to tie the whole ratchet look together.

Also notice her warm smile has been replaced by a resting bitch face of heroic proportions. Bravo.

‘Dressin’ like a mess? Nah thats not me’

Transformation complete, these die-hard Grime fans are now ready to touch the road.

Step two: Forget That You’re Actually from the Home Counties

Bad rudeboi

Ok, so your village in Surrey doesn’t hold many similarities to the estates in Tottenham or Bow, but why let that hold you back?

Switching up a few key phrases, like “cuz” for “mate” and “what you sayin’?” for “how are you doing?”, will create the illusion that you’ve been repping endz since day… or something.

Also, say “trust” as much as possible, how else will anyone know you’re being genuine?

Step three: Get the Choruses Down

As long as you can chant Shutdown with Skepta and Shut Up with Stormzy, the rest will be blaggable.

If in doubt however, simply cover your face with the sports cap, point the gun fingers in the air and bob your head as passively as you possibly can.

Grime fans should also have no fear of the mosh, no matter how sweaty and scary they are. The MC can sense your fear and any sign of weakness will result in a gurning wave of bucket hats, bum bags and gilets crashing down on you.

Follow these steps and throw away any slight fears of cultural appropriation you may have and you’re ready to skank with the best of them. Just remember that Skepta and JME are brothers.