VOTE NOW: Nottingham’s WORST Night Out


Where's hot and where's Nott?

Nottingham: a city famed for its gun crime, Robin Hood and eclectic student nightlife.

But, for all the hype about a big night out on the town, are our clubs actually any good?

Do the edgy kids really enjoy the blinding lasers and unrelenting bass of The Lacehouse? Has anyone ever gone to Gatecrasher and not got lost within thirty seconds? And is it truly possible to ignore that Ocean smell?

From the gropey and overcrowded to the dingy and neglected, it’s time for YOU to decide, once and for all, the title of Nottingham’s Worst Night Out.

Market Bar

Market Bar busy

Damp, dark and exciting for all of ten minutes, if the British Summer was a nightclub, it would most certainly be Market Bar. With an inexplicably long queue and one monotonous house track seemingly on repeat, nights such as DIVE turn out to be about as sociable as the sweaty bloke pressed up against you.

Minor upsides include cool points for attending and plenty of ‘edgy’ clothes to laugh smugly at.

Wavey garms, bro

Wavey garms, bro

Gatecrasher

gatecrasher stairs we hate you

Formerly an ‘official’ UoN club (until some bright spark at the Students’ Union realised that no one ever actually went) Gatecrasher continues to retain countless logistical problems.

With approximately twenty billion stairs and a similar number of rooms, it is physically impossible to not get separated from your friends in Gatecrasher’s labyrinthine passages. Still, at least all that stumbling from top floor to dance floor will burn off the overpriced Jagerbombs.

The Forum

forum so busy

The conclusion to countless Student Clubber bar crawls, Forum is something of an enigma. Despite seeming to forever maintain a queue that literally stretches around the corner, Forum is never busy inside or any good.

With its bizarre and barely reachable podiums causing more accidents than an untrained puppy, Forum exists in a permanent state of Fresher occupation (all of whom happen to possess the unbridled enthusiasm of an untrained puppy).

The Lacehouse

lacehouse shit lasers

If you like snapbacks, not being able to have an audible conversation and a light scheme that is half school-disco chic, half sci-fi laser beam, The Lacehouse is the underground club for you.

With walls sweating more than a dyslexic on Countdown and pupils rounder than a fresher who’s just discovered Domino’s vouchers, The Lacehouse is definitely not the most gregarious venue in Nottingham.

Ocean

ocean 1

Without doubt Nottingham’s most (in)famous night, you’ll be hard pressed to find a student who has the self-restraint to avoid dipping their toes in the Ocean at least once a year.

However, does Ocean deserve its legendary status? It smells worse than that cheese you left at the back of your fridge for the entirety of second year, the music’s as predictable as the Saturday morning hangover and Baywatch should come with a health warning – with all those shirts flying around, you’ll have to be like a midget at a urinal: on your toes.

@TabNottsSport
  • http://j Anonymous

    Sad to see The Forum on this list. It’s long been a favourite of mine.

  • kristi

    I’m putting a night on at Lacehouse on 6th December but it ain’t gunna be any of these things. This time there will be BANDS playing in the middle of the floor so the PA surrounds you. It will be cool and you should all come to change your mind about the lacehouse being a bad night out.

    https://www.facebook.com/events/222698577898530/?ref_dashboard_filter=calendar

  • Adameus

    This article is very funny and very true.
    The haters on here are the clearly sub-mental fans of the mentioned clubs and can’t understand why their terrible lack of self esteem and taste is a source of amusement for people who aren’t sheep.

    • Dolly

      Baaaaaaa

  • sucka ma balls

    There are a lot of trent trolls on this page. The tab isn’t for Poly uni’s.

    • fyi

      *unis

      (If you want to insult Trent, please at least /consider/ using proper grammar. That way it looks just a tiny bit less pathetic.)

      (It’s still kind of sad. FYI.)

  • Kewl tab journalist 123

    Ocean is by far the b3st!!!!”111

    THEY play all the tunes from the radio with chris moyls aNd scot mills andd….. best of all…. bay watch 1D (omg111) and bewitched.

    get down there if we all can’t resits a dip in the OCEAN at some point :p

  • Lucas

    Although I hate to say it, Rock City deserves a mention.
    After a four year absence from Notts, I arrive back only to find the Saturday night playlist unchanged.
    I imagine it’s the attitude of ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’.
    …but it most definitely is broke.

  • AlAN RAMROD

    I TELL YOU WHAAT IS A BAD NIGHT, A REALL BAD NIGHT. ONE DAY ME AND MYY HOUSEBUDS WENT TO PICTURE AND PIANO AND IT WAS JUSST AWFUL. I DIDNT FEEL SAFE PLAYING IN THAT CLUB. THE WOMEN AS WELL. JESUS, THE WOMEN.

Get the best of The Tab on our app.

, Nottingham Deputy Editor of The Tab

Finally! Andy Hoe installs a cash machine in Ocean, and it’s FREE

No more 45 minute queues

Junior doctors are annoyed student medics didn’t strike with them

‘It effects them the most and not enough of them are here!’

, Nottingham Deputy Editor of The Tab

There are asbestos warnings after the Lenton factory fire

Emergency services are telling students to stay indoors

, Editor, The Tab Manchester

These are the things that made me realise I had depression

Was I depressed or just being a bitch?

, Chief Reporter

Remembering American Adventure, the closest we got to the USA in the Midlands

Horses, guns and rollercoasters. What more could you want?

, Head of Marketing

I’d rather hang out with my parents than go clubbing

Most of my friends would, too

, Durham Editor of The Tab

Rhodes Must Fall founder makes waitress cry ‘typical white tears’

He wrote ‘WE WILL GIVE TIP WHEN YOU RETURN THE LAND’

,        

How to check your boobs: A guide

It’s so easy