Being a lifeguard is nothing like Baywatch

Having been a lifeguard since the ripe age of sixteen, my casual job has always been a point of interest with people I meet. Usually, it’s centred around the fact that it’s such a ‘cool job’, and that comment usually always leads on to “OHHHH! It’s like you’re in Baywatch!”

This, I can wholeheartedly say, is not the case. It is the complete opposite of Baywatch. The two couldn’t be further apart. Please. Stop. Comparing. Them.

I get it, Baywatch is probably the only perception that you have of lifeguards, apart from the fit ones that you get to see once a year on your holiday to Tenerife. But they’re a lie too. British people are nowhere near as chilled out as them, I say it must be something to do with the fact that they get to sit in the sun all day getting all of that essential Vitamin D, instead of sitting inside what’s essentially a glamourized greenhouse, sweating it out, watching other people have fun.

I’ve seen Baywatch, and they don’t have to deal with changing room duty. The three dreaded words. I can honestly say that I have had the saddest moments of my life within pool changing rooms, multiple times, for multiple reasons. The first time, I was a young, fresh faced sixteen-year-old probably only on my third or fourth shift at a new pool, where the vast majority of people who worked there were men above the age of 25. I was standing near the lifeguard chair, waiting for something to do, and a lady walks out of the changing room and says “I don’t want to complain, but…” which anyone who’s worked in some kind of customer service job will know is a bad sign.

She went on to say how there was a bit of mess in the toilets and that she thinks that someone should go and sort it out straight away. Obviously, it was in the women’s toilets and so I was the only one that could go in. What happened next scarred me for life. Somebody, had explosively shat everywhere. And I mean everywhere. The toilet cubicle was absolutely covered in it, it was all over the seat, the walls, the floor, the toilet paper holder. EVERYWHERE. It took me about half an hour to get it cleaned up, but every time I turned around there would be a new piece of shit staring me in the face. I’ve never seen that happen on Baywatch.

That’s not the only time I’ve been caught my something unpleasant in the changing rooms. Used nappies and tampons are much more common than you would think, and unfortunately are always as grim as you think. I am scarred for life.

Is it worth the risk of falling (maybe to your death) off the high chair, in front of everyone, bruising your butt and your ego? No, didn’t think so. Do the people on Baywatch ever fall off the chair? No, didn’t think so. They somehow glide and jump and flip… completely unrealistic.

My job probably isn’t going to make me the next Pamela Anderson, and my boss definitely isn’t the Hoff. There are a few perks to the job, like a gym membership, or free swimming, but is that worth having to shave your legs ALL THE TIME because you have to wear the most unflattering shorts ever, which will never ever fit properly? No, didn’t think so. Do the people on Baywatch have to wear shitty shorts? No, didn’t think so. They look sick.