Floggers and ball-gags: What happens in Fetish Society?

It’s 7pm on a Wednesday evening, and I’m on my way to Congregation Hall for the Fetish Society’s weekly meeting.

We may be in the basement, but the room lacks the ambience of a sex-dungeon I was imagining. The walls aren’t decked with torches, there’s no painful-looking traps or restrictors latched onto the wall. There’s absolutely nothing fifty-shades about the whole thing – in fact I can hear what sounds a lot like Uno being played down the corridor.

Tonight I’m attending a FetSoc meeting as a guest – entirely out of curiosity. Although the society has been around for almost three years, there’s still an air of secrecy and mystery surrounding it, and those who don’t attend are constantly in discussion about what they think meetings involve. There’s been every rumour – from a hook-up agency, to hosting wild and extravagant orgies, so I thought I’d pop along to find out the truth.

I didn’t know whether I was nervous or not, but I was definitely intrigued. I met the society’s President, Jai, beforehand to answer some basic questions I had about what exactly I was getting myself into.

Getting the rumours out the way, I asked whether society members do often hook up with each other, and what actually happens in a meeting.

“Yes, meeting outside the society is encouraged,” Jai answered a lot more openly than I expected.

He added: “To put it somewhat flippantly, contrary to popular belief, people can’t easily explore pegging (anal penetration on a male by a female using a strap-on), activities involving bodily functions, group sex or anything particularly painful in Congregation Hall 01.10. Basically, within the confines of the room we discourage anything that will make it a less hospitable environment for everyone.”

So what actually does happen in meetings? Well, often some rope bondage and exploring interesting kit that members bring in. There’s occasionally nudity, but “playing” itself isn’t the done thing in the room.

Jai explains: “This term we hosted a hot-seating session, a rope-bondage workshop, erotica writing, a photography session with PhotoSoc and even Halloween-themed cake decorating. Last term we had a talk from a professional Dominatrix, a workshop on breath-play [choking] from a Judo trainer, a crossover with Art Society for rope-bondage life drawing.

“There’s been lots of which are things that people wouldn’t be able to partake in or wouldn’t know how to approach safely without us having given them a class on it so we focus on providing skills, knowledge and etiquette that people can apply themselves. But that’s not to say that the sole purpose is hooking-up. Honestly, I don’t think it happens at our events more than any other UEA society.”

Not all members are as “out” as Jai explains, though, and it’s often the case that they won’t tell anyone outside of the room at all.

“There are some people who are very secretive and prefer to keep it just to themselves, and there are others who are more comfortable telling their friends. We’ve had some members who have invited their friends along in the past, just as a curiosity thing which is fine, it’s good. It opens people’s minds.”

Jai and I headed downstairs to the room. As members started filtering in, I got chatting to Ann*, a first year who joined the society purely out of curiosity and had no previous experience in the world of “kink”.

Ann tells us: “My partner knows, all my flatmates know, they’re all slightly concerned for me when I tell them “I’m going to fetsoc now.”

“I accidentally slipped in front of my parents once but they didn’t end up finding out anything, luckily.”

I asked Ann why she decided to join FetSoc if she didn’t have any previous interest in fetish beforehand.

“To be honest when I saw their stall at the societies fair it just seemed so much more interesting than the rest of the dull stalls. They had floggers and whips laid out across the table – they drew me in.

“After my first meeting though, I stayed because the society’s all just about being open – listening to open-minded people, learning about so many different things and preferences, and general acceptance. It’s really beautiful. All the people are amazing and so accepting.”

After a little bit of prodding, Ann told me about introducing her boyfriend to “kink”.

“At first he was very cautious and we had to have a bit of wine before we got into it, but he’s getting here. It’s still very early days. I want to progress to more dominant and submissive stuff. But that’s it – no chains no whips no toys. Maybe we’ll get there one day”

I could understand Ann and her boyfriend’s caution about involving toys in their sex life. It was shortly after this conversation that Jai invited us both over to look through his and his partner’s “play bag”. To a complete novice like me, the content was verging on terrifying.

The bag contained ball-gags, hand cuffs, special tape designed to wrap but not stick to the skin, like a stronger version of cling film, and great lengths of rope. There were objects I’d never heard of, such as a Wartenberg pinwheel – something that looked like it would be more at home in a pastry chef’s kitchen than in the bedroom. Jai explained that it’s used to administer a sharp prickling that can be used alongside other ‘sensation toys’ (whips, ice cubes, candle wax) to offer an exciting and erotically-charged massaged.

Whilst sifting through the toys and equipment, I found a stack of sterilised needles, identical to those you’d find in a piercing parlour. I must have looked worried, as Jai laughed and explained that no stabbing was ever involved, but his partner was interested in sliding the needles across the surface of skin, never going into the deeper layers.

While I was slightly concerned, Ann seemed to be taking it all in her stride. I asked her whether she found the needles disturbing in any way. “Not really, I guess I’m more intrigued than anything. I’d definitely be interested in hearing more about why people get pleasure from that.”

As we looked through bag of tricks, I was informed of some of the various kinks the members enjoy: watersports, rape fantasy, and something called feeding, where one person gets great pleasure from preparing food for their partner.

Jai made it very clear that FetSoc ensured kinks were discussed and later on initiated safely and with a focus on consent and safety. All the members I spoke to also couldn’t emphasise enough how important FetSoc was to them as a safe space to discuss fetishes without a fear of judgement.

It was at this point in the evening I began chatting to Emily and Dan – a couple that had joined FetSoc earlier this year. Emily explained their relationship to me, calling it a “Daddy-Dom-little-girl” dynamic (DD/lg).

She said: “He does stuff for me like make sure I hand in my coursework on time and sometimes he cooks for me, and likes helping me organise stuff because I’m not very good at that.”

Dan explained: “She’ll often be in the mind frame of a child, maybe between the ages of like 5 and 11 depending on the day and the circumstances, so it’s my job to make sure she’s safe.”

He kissed her forehead: “In everyday life, make sure everything’s working properly.”

I was curious about the difference in a regular dominant and ‘submissive’ relationship and a DD/lg relationship, and Emily explained that their dynamic is more about the dominant caring for the submissive, not often in a sexual situation but in daily life – rather than Dan making her do things for his benefit as a regular dom would do, the structure is there to benefit Emily instead.

Dan was wary about joining fetsoc last year, and that was a decision that Emily respected up until Dan suggested that they joined at the beginning of this semester. “Some people can be put off by the terms we use.

“It can be difficult to tell people that I’m a ‘daddy’ because then you get into the whole … awkward side of things, but it’s not at all related to that, which is why Fetsoc is particularly good because people are either already familiar with the term, or are willing to listen to you explain it, instead of sitting there like ‘eurgh what the fuck is that’ and just being really disgusted with it.”

After talking to Emily, Dan and the others, it became clear that, yes, the society has sexual undertones, but what they’re fundamentally offering is a gateway into a lifestyle based around acceptance and learning. People like Ann come to the society with little to no experience, and talking to those they meet allows them to open their mind to different possibilities and things they can explore.

One person I spoke to said that the sheer array of things that FetSoc cover “makes you realise normal sex is just really boring”, and after attending even just once, I can see where she was coming from.

The meeting as a whole was light-hearted and just generally really fun, despite it sounding a little bit like a support group. Everyone was laughing, cracking jokes, and there were even people playing with nerf guns (Emily had an excellent aim).

You wouldn’t think these people loved being tied up and calling each other daddy, but I guess you’d never be able to tell on the street anyway. My night at fetsoc was eye-opening, definitely, and it’s given me the capacity to be more understanding and accepting of kink in the future.

Although some of the things FetSoc cover might still make me raise my eyebrows or wince at the thought of the pain involved, it’s definitely shown me that kink is more than just sex. For example, shibari (Japanese erotic rope bondage) is entirely aesthetic and an art form in its own right.  These are just people who take pride in experimenting with eroticism and simply making their sex lives more enjoyable.

I might not be planning on attending next week, but I will be looking up restraints on Amazon.