Surviving freshers if you’re teetotal

One in five teenagers has never had a drop of alcohol

| UPDATED

In September, the great ship University will dock once more, bringing with it another year of dodgy dealings (food stolen from flatmates’ cupboards), inevitable scurvy (fresher’s flu) and copious amounts of rum (supermarket value brand of course). But what if you’re at the helm of a dry carrack?

One in five young adults are now teetotal, suggesting a night out getting wasted is no longer seen as a necessary part of socialising. Despite this shift away from binge-drinking though, freshers’ is the booziest week of the academic year. Surviving it when you don’t drink can be tricky, so follow these steps to fit in and still have a good time.

Surviving nights out

Contrary to popular belief, teetotallers can enjoy a night out just as much as drinkers. While anyone else might consider sobriety a sign of a rubbish night out, teetotallers know that it’s a chance to surround themselves with rowdy revellers who won’t notice or mind their outlandish dance moves. When everyone’s a bit pissed, nobody is ever going to challenge you the next morning because your “running man” was a bit rubbish.

Instead, the morning after is when there’s nothing better than being teetotal. You don’t have to deal with the blind panic or frenzied googling of hangover cures that everyone else has to suffer before an important lecture or job interview. Plus, you still get to spend the next day binge-watching daytime TV and “recovering”, even though you feel fine.

How would you like to still be smiling the next morning?

Surviving other people’s reactions

There’s no denying it: teetotalism is a controversial lifestyle. You’ll probably face even more judgment from your fellow freshers than you would if you were vegetarian. The only difference is veggies aren’t called boring if they refuse a beefburger, while if you turn down a beer you can expect to hear some criticism.

Also be prepared for people who think they can “cure” you of your non-drinking. They’ll say things to you like: “You’re so anti-social these days, let me take you out on the town”. Unwittingly, you’ll go along, only to realise they only want to go out with you if you’re going to get plastered. They won’t understand why you find this upsetting and will either shrug it off as a hilarious joke or act like they were doing you a favour, as if you were missing out on some transferable skills by not drinking.

Don’t judge me for ordering a water…

Surviving dance music

Not drinking has probably had a knock-on impact on your music taste. While everyone else listens to Altern8 and insists you’ll like it if you try it, you keep wearing your Slipknot hoodie. Yes, you’ll feel like you’re missing out on something, but deep down you know there’s more to life than memorising the rap from 2unlimited’s “No Limit” or knowing what the Urban Cookie Collective is.

Who needs to spend the night dancing when you can just take loads of selfies?

Surviving sex

Not drinking means a lot of people will think you’re stuck-up/boring because you’ve never experienced the lowering of inhibitions which comes with the consumption of alcohol.

For some people, the argument goes that drinking is a great way to tackle low self-esteem, feel more body confident and have better sex. What those people forget though is all the problems alcohol can cause in the bedroom.

Who actually enjoys waking up next to someone they wish they hadn’t? Who remembers fondly the guy they thought looked like Alex Turner but was actually some greasy-faced kid with an iced gem on his head in place of hair? Nobody, that’s who.

No regrets?

Not drinking is a lifestyle choice, nothing more. It doesn’t affect a person’s ability to have fun, nor does it make them secretly hate people who get drunk. If you’re reading this and usually treat teetotallers like an alien species, have some respect: neither group is any better than the other. Plus, if you treat them nicely you might find they cook you a fry-up after particularly heavy nights. Once you’ve cleaned the vomit from the communal loo of course.