How to carry on life as normal once you’ve maxed out your overdraft

Overlooking a four figure pit of overdraft despair? It seems that pissing a few thousand pounds away is actually worryingly easy to do. Overdraft extensions only go so far and money has to be saved. But where can one cover the costs?

Charity starts at home

Remember that charity starts at home! That means your friends are going to be there for you. Ask to borrow a fiver, that’s a hard amount to chase someone for.

Eat bits of your housemates’ food

Has your flatmate got leftovers in the fridge? Have a bite to eat at their expense. Butter, milk and bread, among other things, are all poachable items that can be slowly worn away with minimum culpability. Like a huge dormouse you should make it your business to engorge yourself on your flats ‘surplus goods’. If accused of any wrong doing deny all knowledge. In contrast, one must vehemently defend their own property rights; hide your food and come down hard on any trespassers.

Eat entire meals that belong to your housemates

Depending on your emotional investment in friendship, you can become more and more ambitious. See how much you can get away with under their very nose; become increasingly flagrant with your thievery. A friend of mine once ate an entire pasta bake in someone’s house as they showered. Even if caught red handed, fortunately, there is little anyone can do. Inevitably a tirade of abuse will come your way but words rarely empty a full stomach.

Minesweep drinks

Beyond the household one must learn to embrace their inner Scrooge in all situations. When at pres, the noble art of minesweeping should be practiced. Try and pick up a few beers here and there from a crate in the kitchen.

Have a tipple, on someone else

If you’re drinking something stronger though, a little top up from someone’s vodka is rarely noticed and mixer is a free for all.

Never carry cash on you

As taxis draw in and pres come to a close, ‘forget’ that you had no change and never download Uber. In return you can offer fellow passengers a metaphorical drink.

Bum cigs in the smoking area

Once out, try and get at least a couple of cigs from a mate too fucked to recall his generosity the next day. Finally, as you stumble home, remember that a munchies always tastes better if it’s actually someone else’s.  If prudent enough one can easily subsidise their entire night on the collective charity of others.

‘Mate, can I have a little key?’

If it’s an especially big night (drugs are knocking about) ensure to ask all your pals for key progressively throughout the night, complaining your coming down or promising to get them back at afters. Once at afters, apologise for your ‘surprisingly’ empty baggy and slink away into the night with the spliff you saved for the comedown.

To condense this advice; eat, drink, smoke and snort your way through any socially acceptable stealable item. The money saved relying on the kindness of strangers will begin to trickle back into your bank account in no time. Not only are you saving money, but you’re giving others the opportunity to feel the warmth of personal charity.

We can see that saving a few pounds here or there requires… flexibility.

The question we’re left with, as our bank accounts cease haemorrhaging, is what was the true cost? No doubt these measures come at a social expense. But who cares in the post-truth, credit crunch, Brexit UK.

We’re the generation of the fuckboy and the fuckgirl student – always remember number one and always take what you can get. Austerity is national dogma so why not adopt such farsighted policy at home?

Let’s face it, the truth is it’s easy to spend beyond our means and it’s just as easy to lean on others once this happens.

Often making ends meet isn’t a case of personal irresponsibility though, the truth is it’s a system that stretches people’s money too far. Student loans scarcely cover the basics and fees are creeping ever upwards. The cost then falls upon those around us and whilst it’s harmless for the most part, I’d wager that everyone at uni has fallen into contact, and been frustrated, by some form of the caricature above. It’s symptomatic of society and a system that’s crushing individuals financially and spreading that cost socially as well as fiscally.