Eight irresponsible ideas you’ll have at the pub

Scientifically speaking, there is an inverse relationship during any drinking session between idea production and quality. These ideas are often as diverse in origin and quality as the menu at the Spoons you occupy. There’s no doubt that the stimulus of a lukewarm Carlsberg inspires more novel thought than any, pop culture alluding, lecturer.

Buying a pub

The classic in derivative entrepreneurial thought. Two of you sit there bewildered as to why you haven’t had this idea before? Just the two of you running a cosy local full of other students and edgy types. You could drink on the job, you’d pull all the time and the money would be flooding in. After all not all landlords have the visionary, money pulling ideas you’re blessed with. What about a pub quiz with a real life sport round, or a bring your own glass night, or a brawl night? The list goes on.

It would be like the pub sesh right now, but endless. How could it go wrong? Sure there’s the lease costs, pubs declining profitability, the remarkably high rate of alcoholism, depression and suicide amongst landlords and the fact that most punters are worse. But they’re just the pessimists; the pint is half empty for them.

Becoming a prostitute

It’s the start of Semester 2 but you’re already in your overdraft, you spent all your money on trebs and are on a pretty long dry spell since you spooked your booty call with the ‘million text month’. Gavin keeps telling you about how his graduate scheme comes with a £25k starting salary, company car and spending the rest of his life as the colour grey. There must be another way you think.

Its fairly undeniable that your student life has boiled down to the love of two things; sex and money. It’s the perfect, and not to mention, oldest profession there is. Of course you’d be a high class escort; free meals, holidays, clothes, you name it. Sometimes you don’t even have to sleep with them. Why say no to the high life, what the fuck were you going to do with a history degree anyway?

Unfortunately your consistent diet of larger and pasta, gerontophobia, and abhorrence to anyone ‘under a 7’ may rather rapidly stunt this career calling. Next pub trip you’ll decide a masters is the best way to stave off the mid-twenties existential dread.

Trying to get the bartender’s number

It happens in the movies all the time. As you order your drink, making an off the cuff remark about how busy it is you ask ‘so when are you off shift?’ Unfortunately you forgot that this question will have been asked to this striking bartender every shift they’ve ever had.  It’s likely the intellect and charm gifted to you by that fifth pint ‘for courage’ will not have helped you. There’s always tomorrow though.

Growing weed

Horticulture is a valuable skill; weed is great; it would be a victimless crime. You’re smoking too much bud at this point as it is; the idea of it on tap is far too alluring to not contemplate. In your thoughts a beautiful forest of green fills your house. You’ll be able to handpick the bud fresh and smoke amongst it.

One of your mates chimes in that seeds are easy to pick up off the web. You’ll be like Snoop Dogg combined with Alan Titchmarsh. All your friends will love you for the handouts and you could even make some money on the side. As you fantasize the cactus that’s been neglected on your windowsill since September meets the sweet release of death.

Doing drugs

“Fuck going Swingers it’s an overpriced patio and the queue is a joke” you assert, “we should go Cosmic” your friends look at you with doubt, “it’ll be just like first year; all of us out, having a sick time. Remember that time we…”

The tide has turned, like MLK; your oration has pulled on your friends heartstrings and convinced them to make a return trip to mandyville. A quick whip round and ATM trip later and you’re ready. “See if we can get a deal!” Gary shouts as your phone rings a drug dealer who is about as reliable as a split condom. A wad of money and handful of pills later, you’re all set. As you walk towards the bright lights of the club the pub sinks into the sunset along with your bladder control.

Spontaneous nights are often the best; however lectures are rarely spontaneous… A considerable bump of recap awaits you in the near future.

Having ‘one more pint’

It started when your lecture finished at 12pm and your course mate suggested you go for a ‘swift half’ before your 2pm seminar. A pint later you remember you haven’t done the reading anyway. ‘One more’ couldn’t kill you. All you had on your schedule was the library and that’s just round the corner.

When Ollie walks in out of the corner of your eye, you remember he owes you a pint from last week so you better stay for ‘one more’. There’s no way you’ll get any work done after three pints so ‘one more’ is quickly sunk. You’re pretty hungry by this point at any rate and its only a quid extra to get ‘one more’ with your burger.

Five pints is the scientific point of no return. The cycle continues until one of three things is depleted: money, willing accomplices or consciousness. The enthusiasm of the day drinker is only matched by his regret the following day. A dry mouthed, nauseated, shell of yourself will rue this turn of events in the morning.

Going Trophy Hunting

That ornamental duck has been taunting you all night. You’re right under the nose of the barmaid but soon its time to move onto the next pub though.

The trophy duck would look so elegant alongside that traffic cone from the other week. A great talking point to highlight your playful, carefree, yet daring character. As you sip down the last dregs of a cold Carlsberg served in a warm glass you conclude it must be yours. In one smooth motion you stand up to leave, put your coat on and quickly tuck the duck into your inside pocket in a symphony of kleptomania.

The bar maid looks on with apathy as she sees you stumble away with a chipped duck hanging out of your belt line. In your personal history this goes down as one of your greatest heists, your new friend will take pride of place between your display of empty spirit bottles.