Why not to live outside of Jesmond

It’s the time of year that’s all too familiar to students: the mad rush for housing. As swarms of eager first years who have only known each other for a matter of weeks make their way to Jesmond’s salubrious estate agents, I think it’s worth thinking about why anybody in their right mind would choose to live anywhere but Jesmond.

Heaton in all its glory

Heaton is a hell-hole

The second choice for students seems to be Heaton. ‘Why?’, I hear you ask. I have been asking myself the same question for the past two years. It is significantly cheaper, which is undoubtedly the only thing that draws people in. Its lack of Newcastle students, paired with its distance from uni, its proximity to Byker and its poor selection of delis make it a somewhat bizarre choice for students.

“I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t live in Jesmond; everybody lives there. I’ve never been to Heaton though – where even is it?” ponders geography student Louisa with a look of confusion on her face.

Inviting.

“I think the only people who choose to live there are art students trying to oppose the norm by setting up edgy cults”, suggests English student Becky.

Sandyford is vanilla

The halfway house, for those who simply can’t decide whether or not they want to live with rats, is Sandyford. Cheaper than Jesmond, cleaner than Heaton. No bars and barely any shops – it’s a mediocre choice.

Sandyford

High West Jesmond = Gosforth

And you always get those few who claim to live in ‘High West Jesmond’, when, let’s face it, we all know they actually live in Gosforth. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with Gosforth. It’s just not Jesmond.

I did go in search of a Heaton resident who could give me an eye-opening quote, telling us that, in fact, it’s a wonderful place for students to live and that it’s far superior to Jesmond. But after intense searching, I had no success. Maybe the internet hasn’t reached them yet.

Fantastic views are a selling point for Heaton

To conclude, I think that we should show our respect and take a moment’s silence to think about those poor, naïve souls who will inevitably end up in the depths of Fenham, or, God forbid, Byker.