Here’s what YouGov thinks you’ll be when you graduate

UCL students can expect a future full of devilled kidneys, Radio 4 and farming. Can’t see yourself ever giving up Bicep? Well market research firm YouGov has polled graduates from London universities to see what the future holds for us ‘millennials’

A sample of 58 graduates, kind of small when compared to the current 174,000 London students were asked on what they enjoy in life, from hobbies to dinners.

Here are the results, be prepared to cringe!

Personality and professions

The top profession most graduates went into was agriculture and farming surprisingly. Yes, you heard it, we are all destined to be farmers. Three years surviving London, hordes of tourists, the tube and Tottenham Court Road will impel us to move into a remote village somewhere in Devon.

Thank god we can expect to be adaptable. We didn’t battle Christmas shopping on Oxford Street each winter for nothing. And god knows where we will get our ‘considerate’ trait from because YouGov seems to think we will be boorish at the same time. Can you blame us given London rent prices? They’re enough to piss anyone off.

Continuing our life of misery, with what will we identify most? We can expect to do most of your drinking at home and sometimes rely on the radio for companionship. What tragic, misanthropic lives we’ll all lead.

Unlike the big city, most men use hoes in broad daylight

Favourite dishes and hobbies

Some of our favourite dishes will include Sole Bonne Femme, whatever the hell that is, devilled kidneys and fried green tomatoes. The prospect of being food snobs does appeal to us, having had the chance to wine and dine in many of the capital’s best restaurants. But our roots remind us that most of us would still prefer a greasy kebab over this posh shite any day.

The years of instagramming the London skyline will luckily pay off, given our top hobby will be photography. But our other hobbies will include gardening and computer programming. If we wanted to programme computers, we’d have done Computer Science at Imperial. And gardening? Just no. We come from the concrete jungle.

Clothing brands and groceries 

The research says that we will end up shopping at Mint Velvet, Country Casuals and Nicole Farhi. Ahaha what. There must be some mistake, what will we do with all our clothing bought in Brick Lane thrift stores and Chelsea charity shops? We’ll never swap our London attire for tweed suits, Barbour jackets and Hunters.

With groceries, it’s pretty standard. Sainsbury’s will be our most visited grocery store, however Waitrose came out as one of the top online searches. So that’s acceptable.

Entertainment 

Some of our general interests will include drama, books and newspapers. Slightly boring, but if those newspapers include the Metro and our daily dose of Rush Hour Crush, then we can’t really complain. And London has some of the best shows, so fair do’s here.

Our favourite music will include that of Carole King, Björk and Jefferson Airplane. Firstly, who cares about these oldies, and secondly why are all our years of learning the lyrics to Stormzy’s Shut Up going to go to waste? We’ve been cheated.

TV choices is not much different, because here you can really gauge the age of the 58 who completed the survey. Foyle’s War, Great Railway Journeys and The World at War are what we’ll be spending our time watching. At least it’s not shitty daytime TV like Antiques Roadshow, let’s look on the bright side.

So it looks like the people that responded to this survey are alcoholic, misanthropic farmers who call into the Radio 4 agony aunt for a chat crying into a plate of devilled kidneys. That’s not us though. This bollocks does not line up with our status as Londoners: we visited some of the best unis in the country, are on track for firsts and are destined for high flying jobs in Canary Wharf. And given the small sample size and more overwhelmingly, the fact none of this makes a bit of sense, we’re safe.

We’re better than these results. So YouGov, in the words of Stormzy, you can ShutUp

You can check out the findings for yourself here.