Sexting is an art form: here’s how to do it!

A classic sext can go a long way to spice up the mood with a suitor or it can be the single biggest turn off. Follow these rules to ace the art of Sexting…

Not impressed

Spelling and grammar are paramount

So you’ve got a bit excited and sent off your rather lengthly paragraph without proof reading in the heat of the moment?  It’s understandable but your sloppy spelling is making you out to be 50 shades of stupid- nothing screams ‘I’m a capable and confident connoisseur of sexting and I’m going to win over your heart and mind’ like the correct use of a semi colon.

Kissing down my what, sorry?

Keep it real

As much as I’d love for you to pick me up in a red Ferrari LaFerrari dressed in a tuxedo before heading to a rooftop jacuzzi, I’m guessing that you don’t have a $1.7 million car and are probably so far into your overdraft that sneaking onto the 73 bus without paying is your biggest achievement. Sure, be imaginative but keep it in the realms of reality.

Emojis are banned

Maybe it starts off with the cheeky wink, or the suggestive smirk just to signpost where the conversation is heading, but for the love of God please don’t include any items of fruit. Or body parts. Or animals.

Say ‘neigh’ to emojis

Shorthand is not acceptable

Gone are the days where the length of a text used to cost you more: next to nobody is on a phone contract that doesn’t include unlimited texts- shorthand is neither necessary or acceptable. The only people I know who still abbreviate ‘you’ to ‘u’ are visually challenged Grandparents trying to catch up with technology and no one wants to be reminded of them whilst sexting.

Don’t even bother trying to imitate sounds

Whereas you might think ‘uuuuuunghghhhhhh’ sounds like an attractive groan of desire, to your respective sexting partner it may come across more like a sudden and extreme bout of cramp.

The fine art of sexting

Detail is key. If they’re going to devote time relaying their inner thoughts from the minute they ‘walk through the door’, they’re not going to expect a blunt response. Detail is never a bad thing: you instantly appear more imaginative and fun, they’ll love the idea of you paying them attention, and you set yourself apart as a rare specimen that can actually tell the difference between crucial body parts.

0/10 for effort

Know your escape routes

Last but not least, if your counterpart is proving to have the sexual appeal of an aubergine, make sure you’ve got a few handy lines up your sleeve to make a quick ‘Sexit’. Try out these suggestions below:
‘Phone on 2% battery’, ‘Sorry, dinner’s ready’, ‘My Great Uncle just died :/’, ‘I’ve got such a sore rash’, ‘Soooooo tired!’, ‘immas doooo drunkkl lollllll’. That way you’ll save face and possibly sympathy points…