I went on an EFS and RAG blind date, but I didn’t find true love

Poor, lonely me signed myself up to the EFS and RAG blind dates, in the hope of finding my one true love without sacrificing my self-respect and being filmed for the enjoyment of others on TV. As Valentine’s Day rushes closer and closer, the fear swept over me: no more can I bear being sat in bed with a bottle of cheap wine and bad chocolates mourning my love life.

RIP singledom: for a measly £3 I could find true love (potentially), and feel good for donating to charity. I could also add Philanthropist to be my Tinder profile – a win win. The time drew closer and closer and I was eagerly anticipating my date: my mind swarmed with thoughts like “what if he’s boring?” or worse, ugly. Despite these initial concerns though, I was excited to see what would happen. The email arrived – I now knew exactly where and when I would meet my soulmate.

There should have been more hearts

I decided to walk there to calm my nerves and maybe drop that stone I’ve been trying to lose for years. I arrived late so people were already chatting away, and I was paired with my lovely match Ben. I say lovely because he was nice, but I knew there and then my dreams had been shattered. There wasn’t that out-of-body experience people go on about when they find the true one. I don’t even know if that exists, perhaps it’s just a conspiracy theory so smug couples can look down on single people with all the disdain and pity they do anyway.

We sat down and talked about ourselves, the usual date stuff but only at the institute of education surrounded by other helpless singles. The conversation flowed well enough for the hour and – in case it didn’t – EFS also provided us with some, let’s just say optimistic, questions to ask each other. The likes of which were “if you were an animal what would you be?” I could overhear the couple next door to us, and the poor guy actually resorted to asking this question, I felt really awful for him – particularly when the best answer he could muster was “a rabbit”. We stuck to just rambling.

Accepting offers x

So three o’clock came around and time had really flown by. It was enjoyable, but I’m still single and still hoping. But at least someone somewhere benefited from my misery. If you’re interested, get in touch with The Tab, I’m sure we can sort something out. Coffee, maybe?