I’m basically Scouse now: all the lies you tell your mates from home about Liverpool

We all know the drill, you’re home from Uni, sat in Spoons with your mates from home and suddenly somebody says “what’s Liverpool really like?”. Its probably that one mate who still lives at home, or went to a uni that’s in what is effectively a large town. They’re desperate to know, hoping for some clarification that they made the right call, that living in a big city isn’t all that; that Keele is just as good a night out as Liverpool. You aren’t going to give them that clarification.

“Liverpool is actually a really safe city”

Everybody knows the stereotype, that Liverpool is a city rife with crime. You’ve already successfully convinced your mum that Liverpool is safe, you can convince your mates too. “I don’t know anybody who has been mugged or had things stolen” you say through gritted teeth, wincing when you remember the rumour from freshers week that somebody was held at knife point by a cash machine. “There’s only as much crime as in any major city” you claim, pushing the fact that there have been a number of shootings on Smithdown Road in the past month to the back of your mind. “Manchester actually has more crime” you stammer, accidentally forgetting that there is currently a murderer on the loose in Liverpool. Face it, our city really isn’t that safe.

There’s never any crime on Smithdown..

“The nights out are so much cheaper”

Now you’re up north you have to let all your friends who are at uni below the Midlands know how much cheaper you have it than them. You remind them that for the cost of their pint in their SU, you can get three in the Guild. “Quadvods in Faculty are only a fiver” you shout, knowing their price has risen. Your friends don’t even know what a quadvod is, so you exaggerate how good they are too. “Drinks in clubs are much less than they are down south” you state, knowing that whilst Heebies may have £1 drinks on a Thursday, any other day of the week it’s a pocket-emptying £3.50 for a small Carlsberg. Don’t kid yourself, drinks in Liverpool are cheap on student nights, but they are in most major student cities – other than London, obviously.

“My Red Stripe was only £1.50, honest”

“I pull every week”

You arrived at uni a virgin, but that all changed in freshers after a whirlwind romance or two. That shocked all your mates. After neither of your freshers week one night stands texted back, you realise they weren’t “the one” you were saving yourself for. Never mind, you’ve got loads of time to find your soulmate. Six months later your numbers are still on two and you haven’t even got off with someone in weeks. You even considered texting your ex, but that’s not what you tell your friends at home. “I have a couple of friends with benefits but nothing serious” you maintain. Not sure if your friends even believe you. They don’t.

“I go out, like, all the time”

In freshers you went on a 10 day bender, and all your mates were impressed. They thought this was a new you, but since then your antics have tailed off slightly. These days you go out twice a week, if that, but this is not what you tell your friends. “I go to Raz on Mondays, Juicy on Tuesdays, Level on Wednesdays, Heebies on a Thursday and just wherever over the weekend.” The reality being you go to AU nights and the occasional ‘quids in’ at Heebies. Your friends are impressed, but they’re a bit suspicious when you pull out of the nights out at home because you’re “just not feeling it tonight lads.”

The reality of a typical Friday night

“I can understand the scouse accent”

You claim you understand everything the taxi man is telling you, you’re basically a scouser now after all. But can you really? “It’s so easy to understand” you boast, despite the time you ended up with a bag for life that you didn’t want in Asda because you politely smiled after saying “what?” three times. In reality you might pick up the odd word, but most of the time you haven’t got a clue what your barber is saying to you. You’ll have picked it up by third year though –  right?

“I’m friends with so many scousers”

Scousers are notoriously friendly, but that doesn’t mean they’re friends with you. Whilst you might get the occasional friendly glance in town, or sometimes chatted up by a local on a night out, that’s as close to getting a scouse pal as you’ve got. But this isn’t what you tell your home squad. “One of my best friends at uni is a local” you announce, hoping that the Liverpudlian in your seminar group you smiled at once, counts as one of your ‘best friends’.  “A lad on my football team is a scouser” you argue. Nice try, he’s from Blackpool.