Dropping out of a year abroad is not defeat

“It’s ok if you come home.”

Those were the words I needed to hear, the words that suddenly made my heart feel lighter and the world seem bigger. Hours of crying down the phone to my Dad had the simplest solution – one that isn’t really talked about at pre departure meetings, by professors, or even on year abroad blogs. Leaving my year abroad before term finished wouldn’t be the end of the world.

At first it seemed like the best time in my life

Before I left for America my expectations were the usual: I’d see the White House, eat pizza in New York and drink out of red solo cups. I was so excited to swap Leicester for North Carolina.

Fast forward to October 2015 and I was miserable. I hated the classes I was taking, my roommates had made it clear that I wasn’t welcome and without a car, I felt trapped on campus. My mental health deteriorated.

I was so confused and felt like a failure. Everyone else was having the time of their life, so why wasn’t I?

My university in North Carolina

Ultimately, the year abroad just wasn’t right for me. I don’t regret giving it a chance because I made some friends for life and had some amazing experiences whilst I was out there. However, just as not everyone becomes a doctor and not everyone lives in London, a year abroad isn’t right for everyone. It’s ok to admit this.

One of the bravest things you can do is to take yourself out of a situation that doesn’t feel right for you. At the end of the day, your happiness should be your number one priority. I remember crying on the phone for hours to my dad, telling him I was terrified people were going to judge me. I was terrified of the idea of defeat.

Coming home wasn’t defeat though – it opened so many doors for me. The time I had out of university meant that I could take internships in London, each making me certain on my career path and giving me the experience I need for graduation.

I FINALLY made it to universities my friends attended up North including York and Newcastle because I actually had the time to go. I actually got to spend time with my family– my nieces and nephews now think I’m super cool because I had the time to take them to the park and let them put a thousand tiny glittery clips in my hair.

Who wouldn’t want to come home to this

Most importantly (and I don’t care how cliché this sounds), I was able to learn about who I am as a person. I understand my mental health problems way more than I ever did before and I feel like the time away from university has made me able to deal with them better. Now I can go into my final year without being worried that anxiety might completely take over or my depression might creep in and make me a recluse.

Finally, I found that by sharing my story online, I wasn’t alone in my feelings towards my year abroad. I had people messaging me for weeks telling me they felt the same way and wanted to come home but didn’t want to feel like they had failed.

Let me say this one more time, choosing what is right for you is not a failure, it is the biggest victory you will ever get.

Saying goodbye was one the bravest things I’ve ever done