Everyone should experience life working in a cocktail bar

As far as bartending jobs go, cocktails bars are right at the top of the food chain.

A thousand miles from pouring pints in a dreary local or crowded club, your surroundings are nice. A clean bar, flattering lighting and good music make all the difference. Not to mention a clientele who actually have some respect for what you do.

In the right bar you’ll be tucked up in bed before the sun comes in. The money isn’t bad either.

People will always ask for drinks you’ve never heard of

Ok, we get it. You were on your holiday in the South of France and Pascal made you this drink which set off taste buds you didn’t know you had.

The problem is that it’s not on my menu and you can’t tell me the ingredients. You might remember it “was orange”, but that doesn’t help.

It isn’t a Weatherspoon, but you’ll still get asked to make a ‘Cheeky Vimto’

“Excuse me, can you do me a Cheeky Vimto?” Get out.

It’s inevitable that people will ask for your recommendation – but ignore you anyway

“We have a great old fashioned on the menu at the moment, infused with wild lavender,” I say. “The whisky is served with aromatic orange bitters, served on an ice ball with edible flowers.”

They reply: “I’ll have a Cosmo”.

*FACEPALM*

“I asked for a double but you didn’t measure it?”

This is awkward. Do you really want me to pour it into the jigger (measurer) to show you it’s exactly 50mls? I mean I didn’t spend the best part of 6 months pouring water from a bottle to perfect the free-pour for nothing. But if you insist.

We may look like idiots but I assure you – I know what I’m doing.

It’s a COCKTAIL bar – the clue is in the name

Honestly, it’s fine by me if you just want a pint while your lady friend drinks cocktails, but please don’t complain that it’s £4.80.

Going to the toilet is essential – even if you don’t need to go

When you’re on the bar shaking, stirring and mixing you’re standing for a long time. Going to the toilet at regular intervals just to sit down is essential! It’s your only opportunity most of the time. Think of it like ‘power-sitting.’

The impatience of some people is real

It’s inevitable that there will be a group of WAGS who order 12 different cocktails. They’ll then complain about the time it takes you to handcraft them.

“Will it be much longer?” they ask repeatedly. If you don’t like waiting then do us a favour and order a bottle of wine instead. I’ve only got one pair of hands.

“How Much”

Yes it might only cost £4 in ingredients but I’ve spent five minutes lovingly making it for you.

I’ve rimmed your glass, mixed your spirits, set it on fire and presented it beautifully for you. If you want to pretend to be a baller then be prepared to pay the £10 for your drink. If you don’t like it you can always go back to ‘Spoons’ and get two for £6.

Talking of money – there will be that customer who will wave a £50 note for my attention

Even that will only buy you four drinks in here mate. Everyone has been waiting longer than you and guess what – they’ve got money to pay for their drinks too.

Next time you wave your money at me, bear in mind I’m probably going to leave you until last.

There’s always that one person who puts the money on the bar

I mean, I know it’s taking me 10 minutes to get your three Porn Star Martinis, your Bramble and Long Island Ice Tea but I’m stood right here with my hand out.

I know you might not have the best counting skills but please don’t put the money in the puddle of spilled drinks on the bar.

Or if you do expect to get it back in the same puddle.

I’m sorry you don’t like it but no, I won’t change it for free

You ordered a Bloody Mary and don’t like tomatoes? What is wrong with you?

This is why, much like a restaurant, we make a menu so you avoid buying things you don’t like. Please read it because you’re now £10 down and furious with me for not changing it.

It’s not Tom Cruise’s Cocktail mate

No I can’t juggle bottles, I’m a barman not a circus act. It’s a good film though.