I followed Cosmopolitan’s online dating tips and I still don’t have a boyfriend, unsurprisingly

Cosmopolitan Magazine decided that it printed out too many copies of this month’s issue, so it started giving them out for free around LSE this week.

As a low-budget university student, I never miss out a chance on saving some toilet paper money, and stocked up on these Cosmo’s. However, before forever ignoring them, curiosity struck me and I guiltily peeked inside.

Right in between Jennifer Lawrence’s face and a bunch of guides on how to create the salad of goddesses was the ultimate guide to online dating. So I decided that it would be a great chance to spice up my love life and investigate to what extent these steps towards true love actually work.

The article featured an eight-step guide following a girl’s experience with online dating. The first step involved having an interesting description on your Tinder profile. There was particular emphasis on the importance of keeping it concise and to the point, so I went with “Eggstistentially Angsty”.

The second step demanded good, authentic conversation-starters, reinforcing the idea of #GirlPower; requiring the girl to take initiative and breaking the traditional idioms.

Step three through to eight disappointed however, because they no longer pertained to “online dating” but instructions on how to act on a date (ie. laugh at their jokes, posture etc.) Since these steps required, in my view, a higher skill set than the one I have, I decided to hyper-focus on step two and see how far “being myself” takes me.

I tried my wittiest puns, attempted to be original, and prayed that one of these princes in shining dick pics would take me out on a date (which was step three out of eight). I took my A-class banter game to Tinder, and this is what I got:

Devak

*queue cricket sounds*

Adis

Thumbs up to this guy for appreciating the puns Thanks Charliee ;)

Oliver

I thought my pun was fire, but clearly Oliver didn’t share the same views… #ICri It’s important to know that Sindre didn’t appreciate the Billy Joel lyrics

Luke

Not my best comeback I must admit…

Paul

*Cricket sounds vol.2*

Oilet

*I’ve run out of crickets at this point*

Leo

Why do I even try?

I tried my best jokes, tried being as adorable as I can be, but I guess Tinder isn’t the place to go for if you want to go on a date in three steps. Shame.