If you’re doing Dry Jan, then your mates probably hate you

You’re not a saint because you’ve decided to be boring for 31 days

We get it, you had a ‘Massive Christmas’ and ‘NYE was mental’, you drank all the VKs and now you’ve had an epiphany that you need to change your party animal ways. “Detox”.

Doing dry January are you? Insistent on letting the world know how healthy you are? You aren’t the next Body Coach because you update everyone at 15 minute intervals how great you’re feeling now you’ve not been on the sauce for a few days. While you’re self-righteously staying in on a Friday (or worse, coming out and being the sober one that remembers how sloppy drunk everyone was) here’s a few thoughts on what the remaining boozers are thinking.

The only thing more annoying than dry Jan is those trainers

“Nah it’s fine, he won’t stick to it”

It’s the weekend and your mates are ready to partake in the time-honoured and respectable British tradition of necking anything alcoholic in sight and falling about on a sticky dancefloor while trying to get lucky. They’ve invited you, not because they respect your sobriety conviction, but because they think there’s no way you can play beer pong with orange juice for a couple of hours before trying to get the girl behind the bar to understand that you just want a lemonade through the sound of thumping generic bass noise.

Surely not, you’d need the steely determination of Nelson Mandela to say no to a Jägerbomb for six solid hours. Aside from the fact these “friends” want you to fail, you should take comfort in the fact they’ve still invited you out. It either means they like you enough to ignore your awful decision, or there’s nobody else available and you’re not annoying enough to make them prefer staying in.

When someone reminds you it’s still January on a night out

It should just be a sentiment

Look, everyone can sympathise with your sentiment to drink less, but that’s all it should be as a self-respecting youth, a sentiment. For God’s sake don’t actually bloody do it. There’s plenty of time to drink less in the future – you reckon you’ll be doing tequila slammers every weekend when you’ve got a 3 year old regularly pissing the bed? That’s a time to go for dry Jan, when you’ve not really got a choice.

Some of you non-drinkers/general goody two-shoes will be reading this thinking “what a bellend, I don’t need to drink to have fun”. You could be right, you could have a whale of a time on the dancefloor at your local dive club with a blood alcohol level lower than Mother Theresa’s, but why the fuck would you want to? Half the fun of any given night out is the group chat the day after reminiscing about how much of a hilarious wanker you were after that 8th double.

Just have the fucking drink

Get over your new trainers

Then there’s the January gym monkeys. If you start tweeting “summer bodies are made in the winter” and your snapchat story is 16 selfies of you in various parts of the gym (with a suspicious lack of actual exercise) then you are a special breed of muppet. New year, new you? New year and new set of mates cos you’re an embarrassment to your existing ones.

The biggest problem isn’t you dry lot being dry. It’s that you need to let everyone know that you are. After all, if you don’t let everyone know on Instagram with 20 stupid hashtags about your #fitfam, does it all really mean anything?

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