Everything you’ll understand if you have a grotty student house

No matter what your expectations of uni life are; whether you’re in catered or self-catered, the notorious party halls or the halls no one has ever heard of, there are common experiences which unite us all.

Owning a noodle spoon

Whether you choose to partake in the upmarket bachelor Super Noodle brand or the more budget-friendly 19p noodle, the ‘noodle spoon’ is something we all possess. This yellow-stained piece of wood is immune to any kind of cleaning product and serves as a constant reminder of how you bought everyone drinks in Level in the first week of term and now you must sustain yourself on food that may or may not give you heart disease in later life.

Does this breach health and safety in any way?

Predrinking from everything but an actual glass

All your glasses were smashed by strangers in freshers’, and since you refuse to pay good money on appropriate crockery, you have resigned yourself to drinking your amaretto and coke from the Minnie Mouse mug your Mum bought you from the Disney shop. When your last mug inevitably smashes in a drunken blunder you may or may not resort to a saucepan. These are desperate times people.

The flat inspection notice

This inconspicuous list of dates sits on the wall largely ignored until one person gets in at 4am off their face and sees the inspection is in a few hours. This will result in a panic tidy and an enormous argument later in the day when you’ve failed.

Ignored TV license letters

Everyone is “pretty sure” they don’t actually need it & even if you actually don’t you continue to receive threatening letters all year about potential fines you could incur that make you doubt yourself and wonder if your Netflix subscription requires a license.

Pretty much sums it up

Disgusting tea towels

You bought it with your parents when you moved in with visions of idyllic cooking in mind. A few months later it lies pitifully overused on the side and you feel personally victimised by it every time you have to use it. You know it should have been thrown out when it was initially stained by someone’s chips and gravy in September but realistically, you’re a student and therefore probably immune to any kind of disease it could induce by now. You’ll buy another one next year. This one has life in it yet.

Writing the essay title and then abandoning ship

You’re practically half way through now. You feel so good about your title that you decide to instantly re-brand yourself as a determined and engaged student, and consequently resolve to have a binge of your current favourite TV show as a reward for your efforts. At this point it’s important that you stay totally oblivious of your impending academic doom.

Mouldy bathroom tiles

It either looks slightly questionable or it may be slimy and on the verge of sprouting mushrooms. You’re never quite sure what it is or how dangerous it might be. You’ve come to terms with it and resolve to never touch it even if it makes showering slightly awkward sometimes.

Mmmmmm

Bin Jenga

A game you and your flatmates occasionally play without specifically saying so, to see who will be the first one to crack and take them outside. It begins with people opening the already closed bag to dispose of more waste. Once the bag is so full it is stuck inside the bin itself a series of gallant displays of balance and stubbornness ensue. The result is usually anticlimactic when you realise you do actually have to do it. Unbelievable.

The unclaimed alcohol cupboard

Hosting pre-drinks is the gift that keeps on giving… to the hosts. Have a big enough party and you’ll be sure to not pay for your own alcohol for the next month. You may not be entirely sure if it’s just vodka, but it looks like it and smells like it. This is reassuring enough.

YASSSSSS

Pasta, and lots of it

Whether you’re fond of the classic 29p Aldi/Lidl variety or you took a taxi back from Iceland three months ago with your 5kg bag, a significant proportion of your diet belongs to this versatile carbohydrate. Thank God for pasta.

Stranger danger

Nothing is more unnerving than unwittingly going into the communal area to cook your dinner and finding a random person sitting on the sofa, obnoxiously laughing at Jeremy Kyle like they own the place. Who is this person? You think you might vaguely recognise them from the hallways but you’re never 100 per cent certain. You must now decide whether to greet and converse awkwardly with said stranger or to cook your dinner in total silence for the next 15 minutes before returning to your
cave.

The change collection

You’re sure one day you will be able to buy something significant with this ever-growing collection of coppers and five pence’s. Maybe you’ll even be able to afford some Smirnoff vodka? Then one day you’ll count it and realise you only have £2.50 and you’ll wonder how much food you can get off the McDonald’s saver menu for that.