Editorial – F**k Hugh Grant

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Editor M. Literous makes a calm, collected, unbiased and (hopefully) non-libelous look at the imminent press regulation "laws"

I get to decide what goes onto the Tab. I use great responsibility when wielding this great power and I am not some dictator banning everything and anything I disagree with. If it’s not illegal to write then I’ll consider it, if I think someone will want to read it then I’ll publish it. If it’s a comment, then anything not spam or potentially putting me in a court on libel charges will be published; it comes with the territory of loving free speech and participating in a free press.

Mr Wallace kindly explains the key component required for a press to best serve the public interest

This oddly may mean I’m about to break the law.

There are 3 tests to see if a news source must sign up to the new press regulations; it must report on current affairs (we do), it must have multiple contributing authors (we have a fair few) and it must be subject to editorial control (oh shit, that’s me). So for us, yes, yes and yes.

We could well be forced to sign up to a press regulatory body who the coalition has assured us isn’t underpinned by law. It’s just underpinned by a royal charter and there will be new laws to underpin royal charters with law (to be honest, I think this may be a trick. Not even a particularly clever one either).

If you are going to make yourself a figurehead for your ill-sought campain against free press, I’m damn well making you the target of my ill feeling

My biggest concern with all this faff is not even that small outlets like ourselves could be caught in the crossfire, it’s not that it’s putting a vicious boot into a public-serving industry going through its darkest financial days, nor is it even that it made me take the side of Cameron in an argument (although that did hurt). My biggest issue is that we are striking a damning blow to free speech and free press for literally no benefit whatsoever.

If Hugh Grant feels aggrieved at his phone being hacked then I don’t blame him. If he wants laws that prevent this sort of thing happening again, then I heartily agree with the sentiment. However, someone should probably point out these laws already exist. As do laws for lewd conduct in a public place with $1,180 prostitutes.

If you see this Mr Grant, please Google “fair comment” before ringing your lawyers

Sorry Hugh, that was a low blow but I thought I’d take one final moment to enjoy free speech before you play a leading role in taking our free press and roughly taking it from behind. Just like Ms. Divine Brown.

  • Anonymous

    This article made me happy… I love free speech!
    *strokes Mike Literous*

  • Michael Thorpe

    What about in the case of Richard Littlejohn, who drove a woman to suicide over an article he wrote for the Mail?

    • Anonymous

      Well clearly that was a tragedy that nobody could have foreseen, but FREE SPEECH FREE SPEECH FREESPEECHFREESPEECHFREECHFREECH

  • Chinasa Benjamin

    I only care the PG officer…..

  • Speedy Poo

    Women need to speed the fuck up when visiting the lavatory.

    Everywhere I go, there’s a 20km queue for the ladies room but none for the gents.

    What is the cause of such inefficient toilet usage by women only?

    • Ironic Feminist

      Using male-only toilets is a great way to destroy the patriarchy.

  • gh

    I see this in Ocean all the time. They think that they are being hilarious and edgy, but jokes on them, they’re generally just walking into a pool of piss on the floor.

  • Tom

    So I guess you guys at ‘the tab’ don’t like gender neutral toilets.

  • yra

    Actually men have much smaller bladders than women

  • Matt

    I drove in with friends every day for two years, get them to pay £1 each (cheaper than the bus) to cover parking and it works out fine.

    • Gabby

      Maybe, however recently the pay and display car parks have also been full

  • Jonny Mango

    I don’t know who Ben Barnett is but he looks like a cunt

  • Jeffery “Geoff” Jefferson Jr

    Chocolate fireguard sounds quite reliable to me, as long as you’re relying on it to melt.

  • Al Bell

    Lol! What a brilliantly ironic piece – I love the way that you made bold, outlandish statements to grab readers’ attention in the certain knowledge that you’ll generate some minor controversy and increase social media shares.

    And with such panache! I honestly thought that this was the work of Kate Hopkins or another similar professional expert, and not just a student who thinks he’s funnier than he is! TEN OUT OF TEN!!!!!

  • Eric

    Whoever wrote this is a bad, bad Tory

  • Zubair Ibn Adam

    On a serious note to the producers of the tab….is this the best you can do? Do you realise that you are hiring crap journalists ??

  • jjjj

    It’s fucking hilarious! and very accurate. You’re all boring cunty virgin cretins

  • G

    well it made me laugh!!!! haha

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