Every stereotype you see on a night out in Hull

‘If it’s dead should we just go Welly?’

When you were deciding on which uni to make your firm choice, I bet Hull wasn’t first place for its nightlife. But after experiencing it for yourself, you know it isn’t anywhere near as bad as your friend from Newcastle makes it out to be after their visit to Welly that one weekend. If you’re from the South you probably don’t even pay attention to the clubs, just the insanely cheap alcohol.

Welly

You convince yourself you’re not going to Welly just for the Al Pacinos, but 20 minutes into queuing outside in the freezing cold, you know it was the only reason you caved into going. The classic Welly-goer will be wearing their finest vintage Ellesse crop top and waviest creps in order to stand out of the crowd. Welly Thursdays are the most predictable indie rock night out you could ever ask for, go upstairs a bit of Green Day, down to the main room for a bit of Two Door Cinema Club.

After receiving the entry black stamp of doom that will stain your hand until next week, you buy two Jellybabies convinced you’ll be able to drink them both with ease, until you remember they’re the most sickly concoction known to man. To recover from them, you buy a double [w]odka coke (because £2.50 is an absolute bargain), then proceed to regret it the morning after, especially after seeing how destroyed your shoes are after a long night of attempting not get stuck to the dance floor.

Sugar Mill

You’ve just turned 18 and want an excuse to go out and dress up in your smallest dress and biggest heels (which you instantly regret after witnessing all the stairs) just to go and pay £4 for a Desperados whilst being eyed up by a stag do member on the old town pub crawl. No doubt you’ll go here for your birthday because you can finally afford it after getting that £50 off Grandma and Grandad, whilst all the friends you drag along will sit praying you’ll treat them to a drink.

If you’re a fan of anything reality TV, Sugar will be your second home. Vicky Pattinson, Holly Hagan and famously Scotty T all do meet-and-greets here. Sugar is a no-no for freshers who are isolated in Cottingham as by the time the 103 gets into the centre, all attempts at pre-drinking are ruined and you end up rocking up to the doors of Sugar Mill handing over that fiver entry wishing you’d gone Welly instead.

Asylum

Heaven for those who have overspent on this week’s budget but crave a night out. Whether you go to Tower on social or stupidly go to whatever event Asylum puts on this Saturday, you either get so drunk that you can have nothing but a good time or end up justifying your decision because “it’s sooo convenient and cheap”. You could literally rock up to Asylum on a Wednesday or a weekend in joggers and an old t-shirt and no one would bat an eyelid.

The playlist seems to have stayed the same for the past decade, but with no clear theme, it’s a bit all over the place. If you’re a fan of both Little Mix, Skepta and SmashMouth you can be sure to be delighted because there’s something for everyone, even for the one mature student that attempts to mingle in with the typical student folk.

When you end up realising you’re one of only 20 people in the club itself, you wish you’d stayed at home like everyone else with half a brain.

Propaganda

Does anyone actually go here apart from to pre-drink for Fuel?

Fuel

#party #friends #drinks #drag #queen #gay #instagay #stubble #twink #sandwich

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Paradise (if you have money). Blue WKD on tap? YES. Frozen cocktails? YES PLEASE. A night at Fuel is never dull, probably because you spend the majority of your time practising your pole dancing for when you finish uni and have no job. Alas this club requires more of a dress code than that of Asylum to avoid being looked down upon, the sacrifice to pay for immersing yourself into Hull centre, apart from just restricting your nights within the Newland Ave/ Bev Road area.

Open until seven in the morn, you plan to watch the sunrise on your way home but end up in bed by 3am after falling out of the dance cage after one too many frozen cocktails.

Valbon/Pozition/ Funktion

These are all so irrelevant that they just blur into one tbh.

Piper

Yeah you do! #Ax

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The only time you will not be judged for buying five Jagerbombs all for yourself, and for £1.50 each you’d be an absolute fool to not. The music in Piper is so varied it’s good.

Cramped, sweaty, cheap, and with toilets that have totally Instagram-worthy mirrors, what more can a Hull Student ask for!  And all for £2 entry, or free if you disguise as a drama student for the night. With Piper you can get away without contouring for the night out and wouldn’t be out of place in your old tattered Vans, and unlike Welly, if you are really that interested in making an effort for a night-out, you wouldn’t be judged for not looking indie enough. The only time Welly would be an option over Piper is perhaps on a ‘Seductive Saturday’ when you start queuing with the smashed 30-somethings post-Tofts sesh. No ta.

Spiders

You’d think a club that serves crumpets to its customers would be the most quintessentially British place ever, yet it is far from it.

This is where the girls from Sugar go when they’ve gone too heavy on the winged eyeliner and smokey eye makeup. You may also see the average-Joe venture here on Halloween, if they can manage to get in given the rest of Hull had the same idea. Everyone has that one flat mate that asks every weekend if everyone will go Spiders this week, and nine times out of 10 they end up at Welly again listening to the same playlist as last week. Yes it’s cheap, but after a few insanely cheap drinks and walking into the metal barriers for the 50th time, you know you should’ve gone Welly.

Unless you like your men in corsets, thongs and very little else then Spiders < Shinobi

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