Every player in six-a-side football

With the commencement of this year’s Grecian Shield looming large, it feels almost mandatory to give a little guidance for the near 500 of you who will be involved. After all, it is the pinnacle of Exeter’s 6-a-side football season and the crème de la crème of sporting achievement in general. So, without further ado, here is a fairly accurate player-by-player guide to your opponents this coming Sunday.

The Big Lad

Tree trunks for limbs, a mammoth chest inflated by sheer ego – you know the score. For this specimen, football often takes a back seat for more rewarding activities, such as snapping ankles and insulting the other team. Didn’t he play that troll in Harry Potter? He isn’t the most agile, but you won’t want to be in the way of one of his trademark piledrivers.

The Pint-Sized Winger

Sure, he doesn’t look like a threat when lining up for kick-off – in fact your eyes probably passed right over him. But be warned, when this fella gets the ball he will be past you in a blur of neon boots, leaving you wondering why you ever took up football in the first place.

The Playmaker

The passing, the technique, the vision. Dreamy. He could shed a few pounds, but when on the ball he is a sight to behold, reminiscent of the great Paul Scholes as he floats yet another ball through your defence. He could find your self-worth with a pass, and you haven’t seen that in years.

The Recycler

He stands before you, calm and collected, his sensible haircut matching his sensible style of play. ‘Waste not, want not’ he murmurs to himself as he passes another ball sideways, a human metronome in motion.

The Whinger

“Our penalty, you were inside the box!” He’s as annoying as they come, diving at every tackle, wailing at every contentious decision. What’s worse is that he normally gets his way. He probably studies drama, and is cruising towards a first.

The Ginger

There is always a red-head. And he always plays in defence.

Illustrations by Nishad Rai.