So you’re going to Mosaic for the first time

Do you even house?


Mosiac, Moz, Mozzers. Whether it’s Exeter’s version of Mahiki Mondays or the ever fun Dirty Beats, Mosaic is extremely popular with its regulars. Long stereotyped as a public school crowd hangout. If you still feel like you’re not fitting in, here’s the unofficial rulebook.

Monday is a staple of Exeter nightlife. Unless you are clutching a crate of VK’s or a bottle of Moet, you ain’t nobody special. Once you’re here though be prepared to stay until closing because the pitifully small dance floor is now too crammed for you. The music is bearable and be ready to see middle class white boys throwing up gang signs.

Big up the Surrey massive

Thursday’s “Dirty Beats” is the vibesy older brother of Monday Moz. It’s ideal for lads with great chat and fit birds. This night has the sickest beats around so you need to look the part. Thursday gets it right with the best music Moz has to offer. You’ll be dancing so much that by the end, you’ll be dripping more than the kebab you’ll be munching on afterwards.

A shirt Neil from Art Attack would be proud of

Garms

Bra? Crop top? Who knows. Ladies. The one item you must have is a bralette. Perfect for attracting others with your toned midriff, the bralette has seen a steady climb in use at Moz. Despite the fact that everyone is wearing them and they occupy a space somewhere between bra and crop top, they are a must have for showing off gym work. If you don’t want to show as much skin, the LBD is the classic alternative, unless you feel like daring double denim.

Cap or shlid? To cap or not to cap? That is the question posed to the Mosaic men. Don’t be walking into Mosaic with a short back and sides. Your hair must be preened and perfect like a lion’s mane. Whether its wax, gel, mousse or “no, mate, it’s just naturally like that” having a good lid is crucial to your status. Once overheard in the rainy queue: “My hair’s going to be a mess, I should just go home”. If this seems like too much effort then stick your locks under a snapback and if you’re feeling edgy, just spin it around.

The uber rare “triple cap”

Luscious locks 2K15

Chat

Unless your conversational ability is up to scratch, you’re not going to get anywhere in mosaic. Having good chat is how you network and pull. A legend states that more networking happens in the smoking area of Mosaic than in the Deloitte head office. If you don’t smoke, don’t worry, just buy a pack of Golden Virginia and complain how you’ve forgotten your rizlas. Someone will take pity and toss you a Marlboro Gold. Networking in this area is a skill. Be sure to mention your burning passion for deep house music and how your friend’s cousin once pulled both members of Gorgon City.

Can I park my Jag in your garage?

Drank

VK’s all round. That’s it.

It’s orange, and what?

Music

Sigala, KDA and Philip George have all performed recently. The student-run Dirty Beats have provided Exeter’s self-proclaimed house aficionados with what they want. House music a plenty will keep your ears ringing until Saturday morning. Don’t forget to tell people about how mainstream Eton Messy are and how you hated Hijacked last year because of the shit music, not the queueing.

Dropping beats and taking names