Your sports social is ruining everyone else’s night

As a dewy eyed sixth former, the excitement of leaving home and going to university is overwhelming – dreams of brilliant nights out with sophisticated conversation, drinking strange wines with like-minded people.

But upon arrival in Exeter, little can prepare you for the horror of hundreds of blokes in their blue shirts, chinos and colours that awaits on Wednesday Timepiece. Uniforms are meant to be for school and and civil servants, but clearly they found their place in Exeter’s Athletic Union.

The celts would be proud

They’re almost inescapable, filling every crevice of town, from Old Timers to McDonald’s.

To accept their sometimes bizarre behaviour, you must first understand it. This can only be achieved through rigorous study.

First, and foremost in their mind is the EG, or ’empty glass’ to the uninitiated. The sportsman must acknowledge that he has finished his drink, otherwise has he really finished it? The mind cannot comprehend an empty glass that has not been EG’d, the only way to remedy this is for the male to consume another beverage.

Secondly, the ritualistic chant of “down it” can be heard throughout their socials, often followed by a suffix of “fresheeeer!”. This is presumably because the youngest of the species must consume larger amounts of their beverage to progress through the ranks, and to one day become the alpha male of the pack, or “social sec”.

Now, what some may believe to be the most important aspect of their night on the town. The continuation of their species, or “pulling” as they may refer to it. This mating ritual is often initiated with rather suspicious dancing in Top Top, however, the male may simply rely on his good chat and even better lid to attract the female. If this attempt at mating is unsuccessful the male may require sustenance, and cannot often be found wallowing in his sadness at the TP burger bar.

So with this omnipresence, it’s no wonder so many freshers get caught up in it, and think it’s the only way to have a good night.

A flatmate of mine went to a social at the beginning of her first year, where she was told freshers weren’t allowed to speak, apparently it was an army theme, and if they did speak, they had to drink.

Team getting super close in TP

Apart from degrading each other, they get in the way of the rest of us. It’s just not enjoyable having a blue shirted aficionado say you didn’t finish your drink because you didn’t EG. Just piss off, let us enjoy our weak lager in peace.

If another group of rugby boys tells you to down your drink, give them a very sour look when they turn round. Also, that much booze can’t be good for anyone’s health or bank balance, thirty pints leaves you ninety quid poorer, and ruined for the next day.

While I’m sure it increases the sense of fraternity between the team, are there not better ways of achieving this?

Do orienteering or something, and maybe only get mortal in Timepiece every other Wednesday. Also, being really good at bolting your pint will make you a better person on and off the pitch, for sure.

We all know this animalistic behaviour is just good-spirited, alcohol-related fun, but come on guys, just be a bit more chill, and we can all have a good time. We’ll have a relaxed one and you can continue drinking yourselves into oblivion.

You might think I’m being outrageous but it’s not too difficult to respect each other, is it?