The definitive list of all the people you’ll meet in halls

When you take a bunch of fresh faced teens from a plethora of backgrounds and cultures and force them to all live under one (probably asbestos containing) roof opposite an Aldi, you’re going to get an eclectic outcome.

Here is a compilation of the 15 types of people you will almost definitely have the joy of coming across in student halls.

The “daddy paid for my accommodation up front” ones

They will only go out if they have a VIP booth and they will make sure that every single person knows that they have a booth. They Snapchat every part of their life so that everybody else knows just how great their life is. They will use force and vigour to ensure that everyone within a 12km radius has them on Snapchat so that they can wallow in self pity that their student life will never match up to theirs. Probably uses Grey Goose to clean their bathroom.

The home-runner

This individual has only actually spent one weekend at the flat and that was because their parents were away in the Bahamas that weekend. They will drive their Corsa back down to Leeds every Friday night and return again on Sunday evening, refreshed with clean laundry. Only real topic of conversation with these people involves them professing just how excited they are to go home at the weekend and really put their feet up because uni work is just really stressing them out. Probably studies Psychology.

The social butterfly

Impossible to plan to meet up with because they are currently booked up until May (although could slot you in for two hours next Thursday between their study session and their social). They couldn’t possibly see you this weekend, they’ve got Tyler’s flat party starting at 8pm and then they need to take an Uber to the other side of town because they promised Siobhan they would make an appearance at her birthday party so they’re going there afterwards but only for a short while because they then need to dash off again to the guy they met in the smoking area’s DJ set at a basement party. But they ARE really looking forward to your pencilled-in tentative plans in mid June.

The “I haven’t been to a lecture yet this semester but it’s okay cause they put the lecture slides up online” ones

This is probably you.

The night-shifters

These people are unheard of in the day, their names a myth throughout campus. “I thought I saw him in the learning commons the other day, it was around 3pm. I’m not sure though, I only really saw the back of his head.” These mellow people only exist between the hours of 02:00-05:00 and are commonly found chain-smoking in the courtyard, not really talking about much.

The serial passive aggressive note leaver

Every appliance, wall and surface in your kitchen will be tainted with the sticky residue of their post-it notes because they’ve took the bins out 17 times since the start of semester and it is like TOTALLY someone else’s turn this week.

The flat group chat aggravator

Not too dissimilar from the serial passive aggressive note leaver, the flat group chat aggravator has stepped up their confrontational game and entered the 21st century. Every single grain of rice that has just been kicked under the kitchen counter is a personal attack on them and their integrity and they are about to let you know about it in a string of lengthy WhatsApp messages, backed up with photographic evidence and a vivid description on just how you have ruined their life this time.

The boyfriend who is at the flat more than you

You got on with Becky really well in the first two weeks of Freshers’, but then her boyfriend came up to visit from Nottingham and you haven’t seen Becky since. No one really knows how they both fit into the single bed or whether the poor boy’s family have filed a missing person report yet but what we do know is that they must really, really like each other. Kind of cute, kind of sickening. Mostly sickening.

The THIEF

You never thought that you’d get to the stage where you have to start pencilling discreet lines onto the side of your milk carton to measure just how much milk has gone since you last touched it, yet here you are, appalled that you are living with such milk thieving arseholes.

You never bought a padlock at the start of the year cause, y’know, we’re all friends here yet come semester two, you find yourself padlocking and name-labelling all of your possessions which are in public areas and notice that your systematic surveillance levels of your own items is becoming kind of alarming.

The unbelievably loud shaggers

These people really, really want you to know that they’re having sex. Their sex also knows no time frame. 2am? You’ll know about it. 2pm? You’ll know about it. The shrieks of their mating calls echoing around the courtyard will stay with you for life.

The bathroom hotboxers

Even if you don’t know one of these personally, chances are that the loving previous tenants of your room were one of these types of people. With the thought itself of walking down the stairs being far too exhausting, these peculiar types will sit in their bathroom with a towel covering the bottom of the door and will solemnly smoke a blunt. One can only imagine the fun you can have reading the back of your Herbal Essences bottle over and over while smoking the devil’s lettuce.

The one who never leaves their room

You heard their door click closed on the first day of Freshers’ and it hasn’t opened since. Inhabitant was seen once (and only once) during the first fire alarm wearing an oversized hoody and stained joggers. No one is sure what they’re studying and they appear as only “room E” on the cleaning rota because their name hasn’t actually been confirmed.

The ‘Sesh™ is love Sesh™ is life’ wanker

If you ever need advice on where to go on a night out, contact this person. They have been to every single club night in the city, know all their door policies, entry prices and drink offers and if there is any scrap of their liver left, it is most definitely a black congealed mess which is ready to be assumed into their bowel at any given moment. Spends hungover mornings rifling through countless club night photo albums, making sure to tag themselves in every picture so that everyone can see how much of a #LAD they are. #Sesh #Messy #LADs

The wet lettuce

It’s 2am and you and your pals are having a drink or two in your kitchen. The door clicks open and there they stand, the wet lettuce. They really need you to quiet down because they claim to do a more intense degree than you. Spice up your life, have a shot, live a little.