Big Cheese is a spiritual experience

Eat your heart out Cab Vol, move aside Why Not – this is why The Big Cheese is the greatest Edinburgh club night of them all.

At no other club night would you consider spending 6 hours there. The insane popularity of the night makes you have to queue ludicrously early to even get in, meaning you end up spending a huge amount of time there – and it’s still great.

Which other club in Edinburgh could get away with the monstrous queues every single week and still have hordes of students religiously turning up?

There’s a bar that only sells the best alcoholic drink in existence. Forget the price hike, forget Strawpedo-gate, there’s nothing better than sitting with your pals downing VKs like there’s no tomorrow.

Whether you’re a tropical sorta guy or an orange & Passionfruit sorta gal, it doesn’t matter. People unite over their mutual love for a drink that contains more sugar than alcohol. 

Dancing for nearly 6 hours is probably too much for most students who haven’t really considered the notion of exercising since P.E lessons at school.

Luckily, there’s an enormous downstairs area to relax in to drink your VKs and snakebites to gather energy for another dancing session upstairs. The relaxation period is crucial as it prepares your mind and body for the especially cheesy finale of the night.

The music is still audible downstairs, so when you hear the first “Doo clap” from Uptown Funk, the Big Cheese’s call to prayer, you can see off your drink and get to the dance floor with plenty of time to spare before the first chorus.

It’s actually a bit silly how long the queue can get around peak time so you have to factor in when you need to piss well before you get the urge.

Now, as long as you don’t wet yourself, the toilet queue can be one of the best parts of the Big Cheese. You chat to your toilet mates, do your business, then never talk to each other again. What’s not to love?

Once you’ve done what you needed to do, the walk back upstairs past the huge queue is one of the most satisfying Edinburgh experiences. Walking past 50 people all desperate to just do what you just did can make you feel pretty damn smug.

Once your enthusiasm for meeting people dies about a month after fresher’s week, you’ve probably met far more people than you can actually manage to see regularly.

FUN FUN FUN

The Big Cheese is by far the best way to maintain these loose acquaintances. Great people who you’ve never really been close friends with become closer to lost lovers in the Big Cheese.

You can keep these quasi-relationships going for four whole years, without ever seeing each other sober. You have no idea what their name is, but they’ll probably buy you a VK on your birthday.

Such is the nature of unadulterated cheese music, no one can pretend to be cool or something they’re not. It’s a leveller.

Everyone is equal when they’re dancing like a maniac to “C’est la vie”. Rugby players, EUSA staff and even Tab writers can all unite over their drunken lust for more cheesy music.

At 2:58am during the guitar solo of “Angels” just before Robbie tells us that through it all, she offered him protection, a lot of love and affection, nothing else matters to Big Cheese enthusiasts. Nirvana is achieved. No one is worrying about impending deadlines or that exams are only two weeks away. Everyone has reached a temporary spiritual peace which is then ruined when we all go back to our normal lives two minutes later.

After all, The Big Cheese, is our Wonderwall.