How to steal your flatmate’s food without getting caught
No more passive aggressive notes on the group chat
Everyone knows that food you don’t pay for tastes so much better. But how do you get your hands on the magical free food (which your flatmate just happens to have bought)?
Here’s our easy step by step guide on never getting caught.
Step one: Go for high-quantity, low-value items to begin with
Stick for the magic circle first- milk, pasta and bread. Anyone that cares about you using these items is not worth you caring if they catch you anyway.
Step two: Don’t let anyone see you – and if they do, stay confident
“Oh, sorry, is that your shelf? I didn’t realise! I’ll buy you another block of cheese tomorrow!” Of course, you never will, but the key is not to let them know you were an intentional thief or they will always be suspicious.
Ideally do your thieving at night – that way you’re less likely to be caught in the act, and if you are, you can just say you were drunk and mistook their shelf for yours.
Step three: Steal some of your own food so they don’t think it’s you
“hey guys not gonna be a buzzkill but has anyone been using my chocolate spread there’s none left lol lmao xxx”- I call this one the double bluff.
Step four: If going for a big meal, steal a little bit of everyone’s
I once didn’t have any dinner in so I took a slice of someone’s bread, a small handful of three different people’s chips and a little bit of pasta. It was like I’d died and gone to carb-y heaven. And even better, no one suspected me because they didn’t even notice anything gone.
Step five: Once your flat has no suspicions of you, go for higher quality items
Pieces of fruit, packets of crisps, slices of ham. Although these items can be counted and they will probably notice they’re gone, by this point you’ve already been established as safe.
Step six: If all else fails, shift the blame.
“I’m pretty sure I saw Jem drink your juice.” and if you want to go all out… “and she drank from the carton.”