Hey straight people, please get out of gay clubs

Gay clubs are for gay people. Are you gay? No. So fuck off.

A horrifying epidemic is upon us: straight girls at gay clubs.

Dressed to the nines and fuelled by naivety (“so what is poppers then?”) they’re a nuisance.

While in normal life they would be offended by being called “breeders,” at a gay club they hog the dance-floor and remind us of the reason for the break up of girl bands.

Queer clubs are for queer people.

This isn’t “heterophobic” because let’s be honest, heterophobia doesn’t exist. It’s a nonsense term made up by the same group of twats who say people are racist to white people.

No

The lunacy of having a system of subjugation in society only then to turn around and accuse minority groups of discriminating is clearly idiocy.

To the girls who complain of being hit on by rugby lads and long for a “safe space”: gay clubs are not your safe space.

This isn’t to say you should get over sexual harassment in a club.

But this is our space, a space for queer people to be queer. Unapologetically and mercilessly queer.

Your presence, as a tacit part of the heterosexual hegemony, is not welcome.

I see you

“But I just want to dance, stop being a prick!” There is something delightfully ironic about hearing straight girls complain about not having a place to dance.

The whole world caters to straight people, from the music played on the radio to the quantity and quality of clubs which serve your needs.

So if you “just want to dance” you can dance elsewhere. Like in your room, or fucking anywhere, but not here.

While you’re twirling around having a grand old time with all your little girlys, pretending you’re in Sex and the City, everyone else wants to fuck.

And you’re in their way. You’re having a great time, and we want to have a great time in the bedroom (or toilet, am I right George Michael?) but we need to find someone.

While you’re dropping your pancake-ass you got, you’re stopping potential men from actually dancing and ergo fucking.

Look at how fun you are

“It’s so much fun, because there’s less testosterone and fighting.”

Firstly let’s just disregard how much this is said, and how massively offensive it is to suggest pent up masculine madness can’t break forth from a queer person.

And secondly: this is an awful justification for your presence.

Because they only see one part of queer culture, people think everything kinky, rough or “other” is gone because Graham Norton’s suits are shiny and not leather.

But it hasn’t.

And so to suggest you’re just going to have a great time because we’re all faggy as fuck, and we should raise a pink margarita, is just illogical.

Gay men can be rowdy, and we’re not here to fulfil your dreams of a night out just with “the girls” which resembles a scene from a BBC3 representation of a nightclub.

But your blonde bob cries out: “It’s an experience.”

Are you out of your straight ass mind? Gay clubs and queer people are not your zoo or entertainers.

We might be better dancers or have better music, but this is for us. Our culture, queer culture, is for queer people. If you want to watch us and “experience” it, just wait until a celebrity appropriates it in five years time.

In gay clubs we’re dancing, drinking and socialising like normal human beings who just want to be with queer people for one goddamn second of our insufferably straight-controlled lives.

Quite why straight people feel the need and/or sense of entitlement which enables them to colonise every fucking culture they can find is beyond me.

Not the kind of pole action we want

So if you want to just have a bit of fun and experience something new, try deep-friend mince pies: they’re not as bad as they sound.

But don’t schlep all the way to Soho just for a patronising “experience.”

There is one type of hetero who can be in the place and they are the nervous looking fag hags who’ve been dragged out by their gay best friend.

They can stay because mazel-tov to them for turning up and only mildly cock-blocking.