Who is Cambridge’s hottest PILF?

The PILF. A Punter I’d Like to Fuck Fondle Finger Flagellate Fuck.

So a quick guide to punting. You take your pole, you stick it in the bed, and you take it out when it gets wet. I went out to meet some of the best PILFs Cambridge had to offer.

PILF 1: James of Magdalene Bridge 

What is it to dress like a PILF?

I’d like to say it takes a lot of work, but I didn’t even shower this morning. I just woke up, no blow dry, nothing.

Do you have any good punt-based pickup lines?

Well, do you wanna have a go on my pole?

So, how much would it cost if someone asked for you to put a pole in their stream?

There is a certain price, but being a PILF and all, the price is gonna be quite high.

PILF 2: Douglas of the Telephone Box 

How would you get me to take a turn on your punt?

Would you like to come and see the dolphins and the polar bears?

What’s the best thing about being a PILF?

I don’t like being a punter. You see I can’t swim, so I don’t like water. I’m not even very good at using the pole. I don’t think I’ve ever actually stuck a pole into water.

PILF 3: Alfie of King’s Plodge

The Tab connoisseurs amongst you/Cambridge students who have graduated but for some reason still read The Tab might remember Alfie from the last time the we went in search of Cambridge’s hottest PILF. We caught up with him again, here’s what he had to say.

How does it feel to be nominated as a PILF for the second time?

Well, I kind of expected of course. I don’t know what happened to the last competition, I think it just got weird after some punter said Jimmy Saville was a punter in a previous life.

The Tab can reveal that it was in fact you Alfie who said Jimmy Saville was a punter in a previous life. Not really sure what you were getting at there… 

What advice can you give to Cambridge students who want to pull a PILF?

Buy a punting ticket. There’s nothing sexier than someone with a punting ticket.

When you become a punter, do they teach you how to take the pole in and out?

This is something you have a grasp of in teenage years, but obviously, the pole gets a lot larger as you get older so you need that little bit of experience handling it.

PILF 4: Harry on Silver Street Bridge 

Are you born a PILF or is PILFness thrust upon you?

Have you seen these genes? Baby, I was born this way.

What’s your technique with the pole?

I’m really good at sliding it in and out, especially when it gets wet. I think a firm grip is really important. You have to always be in control of your pole.

What is your idea of a perfect date?

Punting into the moonlight as I show my date how to use the pole properly.

I hope by this point in the article you have realised PILF’s love their poles. ‘Poles’ is a euphemism. 

PILF 5: Dan the Man 

What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told a tourist?

Well, I actually tell tourists that I go to King’s College and study English…

Why did you ask me to take your picture twice?

I wanted to show off my diversity of character. Calm, yet happy. Thoughtful, yet cheeky.