WHAT TO WEAR: Caesarian Sunday

It’s time to put down the books and leave the prison cell that has become your room. It’s time to strip out of the pyjamas you’ve been hermitting in since Easter. It’s time for Caesarian Sunday.

With the cameras out in full force, you’ll want your outfit to make a statement on your Daily Mail debut. Happily, there is a multitude of approaches to reaching the desired effect. Getting hold of a police hat for example, preferably from an officer rather than a fancy dress shop, will provide an excellent photo opportunity.

What do you mean ‘give it back’?

And with the number of policemen usually present similar to that of the photographers, there will no doubt be enough headgear to go round. However, this may require some diplomacy to avoid the use of any handcuffs not purchased from the fancy dress shop.

For those keen to combine the picnic on the Green with some punting action, sailor’s caps are a nice touch, but lifejackets are strongly advised. Past experience would indicate that there won’t be any beneath your seats.

Swimwear is by all means appropriate, considering the inevitably damp outcome, but make no mistake, bikinis in a paddling pool are so passé.

In terms of accessories, handbags are to be left at home this Sunday. There is a far superior alternative. Carrying your things around has never been easier. Let’s face it, the mobility, practicality, and capacity of a shopping trolley are, quite simply, not to be outdone. You won’t be needing anything apart from bottles anyway and the only criterion for judgement is how many of them you can transport at once. The shopping trolley ensures a direct route from the Sainsbury’s booze aisle to Jesus Green. Why pay 5p for a plastic bag?

Whilst their accessories are on point,  these men’s attire is now considered outdated. Caesarean Sunday is no formal event. Yes, societies have custom ties and blazers. Does anyone care apart from those wearing them? No. Is the term that rhymes with punts commonly used to describe this look? 100%. Do you want to be this person? Definitely not.

Suits are so last century.

Suits and ties are less suited to the acrobatic nature of standard picnic activities. Fancy dress, on the other hand, is an ingenious way of making a statement in supreme comfort. The onesie you’ve been living in (who doesn’t) could be just the ticket. And with no requirement to even get changed, you really have no excuse not to leave your room.

Be ready.