How to Get a Kiss on New Year’s Eve

ADRIAN GRAY: Having kissed two people ever, neither at midnight nor on New Year’s Eve, I believe I am fully qualified to give the following advice.

Get the right location

Staying at home and watching Jools Holland is for pussies, everyone knows that. ‘Ooh, I’m too tired to go out’, ‘ooh, I just want a quiet night in’, ‘ooh, I’ve had a really tough Christmas with dad walking out and I’m still not over the loss of Mandela, ooh’. Grow up. No-one wants to watch Jools spunk some poorly-timed, sycophantic sap onto a bored Lily Allen until she mumbles something about her ‘amazing Christmas’ in a studio in August. More importantly, if you’re at home you won’t have anyone to kiss. Apart from your Nan. And there’s no way she’s going to react well to a quick snog. Not after last year.

No Jools Holland-aise sauce tonight

Once you’re at a party location is vital. If you can, stand near the nibbles. The honeys love nibbles. In fact, hover near them long enough and they’ll start to think you’re some sort of nibble-king and will fancy you based on your perceived social status.

Find someone to kiss

Use the following flow chart to find someone to kiss.

Shift the goalposts

Remember, midnight doesn’t occur simultaneously around the world. If you’ve chosen someone to kiss but things aren’t looking good for the big moment, buy yourself an additional hour or two by travelling to a different time zone. Your best bet is the Azores because they’re an hour behind and they’ve got a Z in their name so they’re probably vaguely exotic.

This is Azores. She’s already taken

Of course, there are disadvantages to time-zone-technique: getting someone into your car, having to explain to them why you’re driving to Gatwick at 90mph etc. But it’s worth it; especially as you can use the journey to charm your chosen kisser and/or point out you’re the only male they know within a 1400 mile radius.

Kiss

Always go for the lips. If you go for the cheek, chances are she’ll go for the lips and you’ll end up head-butting her on the eye as she snogs you on the chin. Avoid faux pas such as grabbing her arse or sneezing, and keep tongue to a minimum. After you’ve kissed, say ‘happy new year’ in a way that hides the fact you’ve fallen completely in love and stand such that your erection doesn’t poke her in the leg.

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JESS FRANKLIN: While waiting for an invitation to a New Year’s Eve party (inbox me or tweet @JessFrank11), I’ve assembled some advice to secure you that meaningless kiss (Hugh Grant, “Meaningless Kiss”, Music and Lyrics, 2007).

At a dinner party

You may be able to pull the pork, but can you pull that blonde guy sitting next to you who hasn’t said much? Your advances mustn’t seem out of the blue, so use a chat-up line relevant to the culinary context. “Have you got a cracker in your pants?” has never let me down because I’ve never tried it, but should this fail you, try gazing into his eyes while eating a potato in slow-motion and humming Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”, if you can do both (I can). Don’t try this too long before midnight otherwise you’ll be humming and staring into his eyes for several hours before the countdown and you’ll kill the mood.

Marvin always got a kiss at midnight

For those of you thinking you could come up with better food-related chat-up lines to secure your midnight feast, I’ve actually made a list of about 23 where “maltease me”, “fish-finger me” and “this bird needs stuffing” have all been thought of.

At a house party

Thanks to the timely birth of our Saviour, on the 31^st December the mistletoe is still hanging. If you’ve a penchant for pendants you will know that rooting yourself under the mistletoe is no guarantee of a kiss, but shift slightly to your left and you’ll appear flirtatiously nonchalant and the boys (or girls – everyone is on the spectrum) will flock. Obviously if you can’t shift to the left due to an obstacle, move right. If you can’t do this either then you must be in a wardrobe watching the person you’re in love with getting off with someone else. We’ve all been there.

Going outside can be scary, but often fruitful. Boys like the outdoors

In a club

You can twerk it and werk it, but can you jerk it? (I can). With a £50 NYE Mahiki ticket you probably could have paid someone to kiss you, but it’s too late now. Marvin Gaye can’t help you here because Avicii is drowning him out with “Wake Me Up” but, fortunately, you’re already awake. Spot the guy who’s lost his mates (not to be confused with the guy who came alone. NEVER get with him), dagger over and “lean in” – the best piece of advice ever given to me, alongside Cara Bruce’s “be yourself” (Cara is now at Bristol reading Geography).

Cara’s on the left. She knows exactly what she’s doing

Anyone wanting a printable PDF version of this article to take with them on their night out should email The Tab. Between now and then, get practising writing “2014”. It takes a while to sink in.