News From The Dark Blues

For a Party who generally take a pretty dim view of sodomy, UKIP appear to have an alarming propensity for thrusting the well-lubricated shaft of political suicide into their tight Anglo-Saxon rectums.

This week it was the turn of Oxford local election candidate Julia Gasper. Gasper’s blog managed to invoke the righteous Internet fury of PinkNews.com after complaining that homosexuals don’t show enough “gratitude” to heterosexuals for giving birth to them.

But lets not jump to any conclusions about Gasper being a screaming homophobe. A second blog post soon cleared everything up, reminding us that she was the real victim: “Crazy gay fascists demanded that I should be hanged, gassed, pushed over a cliff, electrocuted or aborted. They heaped every sort of abuse that a deranged mind could come up with”.

Whilst the cavalry of UKIPs political fuck-ups was charging into the hail of oncoming machine-gun fire, the Green campaign quietly retreated to its dugout to shot itself in the foot. After a pleasingly backstabbing tip-off from the Lib Dems The Oxford Student learned that despite flyers claiming that they opposed HMO (Housing in Multiple Occupancy) quotas, it was the Greens who had proposed them in the first place.

Meanwhile, at the primary school production that is the Union’s disciplinary committee, Maddie Grant (of “I don’t hack, I just have a great rack” fame) has been bundled with a £125 fine for ‘bringing the Union into disrepute’ in the wake of her boob based election manifesto.

Talking of tits, the JCR President’s Committee conducted its own show trial this week.The OxStu’s esteemed editors were summoned before the committee, where they were stripped to the waist and sentenced to 12 lashes for every JCR president they’ve made look like a twat. It took a while.

In other news, there’s been some shady goings on at Jesus College, where the home bursar has been suspended concerning allegations of “misconduct”. Lucky for Jesus that the phrase “misconduct” is IN NO WAY SYNONYMOUS WITH BANGING UNDERGRADS.