Totally Punted

New regulations are set to sober up Suicide Sunday this year, after authorities slammed students who are planning to punt while drunk.

Cam Conservators have demanded that organisers of the annual boat race from Darwin Island to Trinity Punts monitor students for drunkenness and even provide proof of insurance from competitors.

The race, which this year is set to feature an on-board ceilidh, has been blasted as a “drunken boat fest” by the kill-joy river officials. The silly punts seem hell-bent on keeping Cantabs firmly on dry land.

What a load of punts: racing under the influence

But Ed Emery, who founded the race back in 2008, hit back at the officials’ criticisms. He pointed out that each year “There are a lot of drunken punters on the river but they are not our racers”.

He also assured that risks were firmly taken into account, and added that “it’s a wonderful event”.

Olivier Grouille, the honourably titled Clare Admiral of Punts, is outraged. “I think it’s preposterous – for centuries, punting in the Royal Navy has been run on the traditions of rum, sodomy and the lash.

“It’s health and safety gone mad: you might as well ban gambling at Ascot.”

But it seems that the whole thing is nothing more than a booze-cruise in the eyes of the Conservators, who are not in students’ good books at the moment. Earlier this month it emerged that they had failed in efforts to relocate the dangerous swan and local menace, Mr ASBO.

But now that students are set to enjoy a well-deserved celebration, the fun police have suddenly decided to make health and safety on the river a top priority.