News From The Dark Blues

ISAAC DELESTRE's fellow Oxfordians have got hammered with champers and mauled by hacksaws in another eventful week...

David Cameron got up to a lot of shit amongst the Dreaming Spires. But despite my daily prayers to the gods of tabloid journalism, it wasn’t the reminiscences of some vomit-stained, coke-addled Bullingdon boy that caused minor embarrassment to the PM this week.

Oxford’s favourite inebriated Rasta restaurateur, the bearer of the somewhat unlikely name of Hugh Anderson, has been convicted of assaulting a customer in the early hours of the morning. According to one witness Anderson battered the man to the floor using a hacksaw.

But what, I hear your lyrical Cantabrigian tones inquire, has all this to do with our dear PM? Well, apparently, Anderson’s Hi-Lo restaurant was a favourite haunt of Cameron and his Bullingdon chums. And, according to Anderson, he and the PM are still in touch; occasionally meeting up for a cheeky Camberwell Carrot, no doubt. (Although, obviously, Dave never inhales.)

Back in the primordial slime of political evolution, Oxford’s political gimp factory has been busy at work in churning out the next generation of self-satisfied chinless politicos; just in time for the pending local elections.

Three students; Robin McGhee (Lib Dem), Alex Harvey (Lab) and Sam Hollick (Green) all have their egos fixed on the Central Oxford council seat. After having seen The Hunger Games this week I can’t help thinking that there are more entertaining ways this battle of self-importance could be resolved…

On the other side of the eel tub, the reckless libertines of Wadham College, frequenting the opium dens of the Big Apple on the annual Sarah Laurence exchange program, found themselves invited to the Manhattan lair of banker and international super-villain Nat Rothschild.

Although the former Wadhamite and Bullingdon-boy wasn’t actually there, his champagne certainly was. It wasn’t long before the ex-speaker of the Canadian House of Commons was leading the room in a rousing chorus of “There once was a warden of Wadham.”

In other news, our Brooksian cousins have been desperately trying to stoke up the burnt out ashes of student radicalism with their very own ‘Occupy’ movement. Much of the city and indeed most of the infrastructure of Western capitalism has been thrown into chaos by what one bystander described as “almost ten students on a good day”.

All together now: Come comrades, come rally…

  • Robert Aske


  • Absolute

    tory-bashing bollocks. Fuck off you smug communist twat.

    • Parson Yorrick

      Fuck to you sir.

Get the best of The Tab on our app.

What should your college disaffiliate from?

What should students turn their lack-of-disaffiliation anger towards?

Clean Bandit to DJ at Jesus May Ball

No place we’d rather be.

, Assistant Editor

That ‘cube personality test’ everyone is sharing is actually a pickup artist scam

It won’t tell you anything about yourself

, Editor, The Tab Brookes

Rhodes Must Fall founder has received ‘a flow of death threats’

The university had to step in to discuss his health and safety

Your old Beauty and the Beast VHS could be worth £800

Bet you gave it to a charity shop years ago

Brummie is the ugliest accent in the UK

Over 8,000 of you voted in our poll

, Cardiff Editor at The Tab

I asked my friends why they think I’m single

Some were brutal

The NUS black students’ conference have voted to ban prisons

The motion was called ‘Prisons are Obsolete! Abolish Them Now!’