News From The Dark Blues

By on

ISAAC DELESTRE's fellow Oxfordians have got hammered with champers and mauled by hacksaws in another eventful week...

David Cameron got up to a lot of shit amongst the Dreaming Spires. But despite my daily prayers to the gods of tabloid journalism, it wasn’t the reminiscences of some vomit-stained, coke-addled Bullingdon boy that caused minor embarrassment to the PM this week.

Oxford’s favourite inebriated Rasta restaurateur, the bearer of the somewhat unlikely name of Hugh Anderson, has been convicted of assaulting a customer in the early hours of the morning. According to one witness Anderson battered the man to the floor using a hacksaw.

But what, I hear your lyrical Cantabrigian tones inquire, has all this to do with our dear PM? Well, apparently, Anderson’s Hi-Lo restaurant was a favourite haunt of Cameron and his Bullingdon chums. And, according to Anderson, he and the PM are still in touch; occasionally meeting up for a cheeky Camberwell Carrot, no doubt. (Although, obviously, Dave never inhales.)

Back in the primordial slime of political evolution, Oxford’s political gimp factory has been busy at work in churning out the next generation of self-satisfied chinless politicos; just in time for the pending local elections.

Three students; Robin McGhee (Lib Dem), Alex Harvey (Lab) and Sam Hollick (Green) all have their egos fixed on the Central Oxford council seat. After having seen The Hunger Games this week I can’t help thinking that there are more entertaining ways this battle of self-importance could be resolved…

On the other side of the eel tub, the reckless libertines of Wadham College, frequenting the opium dens of the Big Apple on the annual Sarah Laurence exchange program, found themselves invited to the Manhattan lair of banker and international super-villain Nat Rothschild.

Although the former Wadhamite and Bullingdon-boy wasn’t actually there, his champagne certainly was. It wasn’t long before the ex-speaker of the Canadian House of Commons was leading the room in a rousing chorus of “There once was a warden of Wadham.”

In other news, our Brooksian cousins have been desperately trying to stoke up the burnt out ashes of student radicalism with their very own ‘Occupy’ movement. Much of the city and indeed most of the infrastructure of Western capitalism has been thrown into chaos by what one bystander described as “almost ten students on a good day”.

All together now: Come comrades, come rally…

  • Robert Aske


  • Absolute

    tory-bashing bollocks. Fuck off you smug communist twat.

    • Parson Yorrick

      Fuck to you sir.

Heard something newsworthy?

By and on

The mafia is opening its ranks

The Tab is giving out free CV points.

By ,         on

Tab writers: Where are they now?

They were the ones who insisted they’d stop writing when you stopped reading.

By on

REVIEW: 5 Lesbians Eating a Quiche

5 lesbians. 1 quiche. What could go wrong? Almost everything, Dani Cugini discovers, in this hilarious play.

By , Chief Reporter on

The one that got away: An interview with Caggie Dunlop

She doesn’t even watch Made in Chelsea any more

By , Deputy Editor on

I wore an ‘I love consent’ t-shirt on a night out

Consent is sexy

By on

Loughborough The struggles of being a tall girl

Groups shots are a nightmare

By on

London Where should you live in North London?

We tried to contact South London but the expeditionary team never returned

By , Contributing Editor on

How much noise should boys make in bed?

Say your own name over and over again, obviously

By , Contributing Editor on

When did Instagram become an excuse to look at soft porn

Answer: as soon as you downloaded it